WARNING...

the woman who will return to Saskatoon in 4 days is not the same woman who left 2 months ago!!

In fact, at the current moment I am a blubbering mess!

The problem with having a big heart is that it so easily sucks in and holds on to the suffering of this big stupid world.   I do not regret for one moment loving as I do.  I think that my capacity for love is my greatest asset.  My love for others has filled me with tremendous joy....it also causes me a tremendous amount of pain.

As I think about leaving Esteli, Nicaragua and the wonderful people I have met here, my heart aches.  I know that there are people here, who I now care about, that are suffering.  I know that some of my new friends will not eat tomorrow... that some of the children in my school will go home to incredibly difficult situations.  While I´ve been here, I have done what I could... what I thought and felt was the right thing to do.  I have bought meals, given money, listened to stories, given hugs.   It has felt good to be here and to give... and for what I offered to be received with such relief and gratitude.  The sadness that I would inevitably feel at leaving Nicaragua is compounded significantly by the sadness of those around me as they too anticipate my leaving.  For a little while I was able to make their lives a little better... to relieve some of the pressure... and now I leave and life for them goes back to normal.  As I read this I see how my words appear to be weighing on the side of arrogance and, believe me, I have spent a sufficient amount of time reflecting on my place of privilege and how I can best use that privilege for good.  I admit that it has felt really really good to be able to offer to help.  Part of that is satisfaction in knowing that I´ve brought a little joy to someone´s life... and part, I´m sure, is tied up in ego.   At any rate, I know I have helped and I feel good about that.  But now I am having a hard time remembering that feel-good-stuff as the realization that I´ve not done anyone any good in the long term... maybe I´ve even made things a little worse.

My thinking is completely intertwined with my feeling... as is completely normal for me... and I´m having a tough time separating the sadness and guilt from logic.  I´m tempted to sell what I have, empty my bank account and give it all away but I know this would only serve to make me feel better in the moment and I would, once again, be faced with the reality that there are too many people in this world who suffer.  Some of that suffering is because of the natural ebb and flow of life... people get sick, people die, etc.   But MOST of that suffering is not natural... it is the direct result of a world full of greed and selfishness.  Many people suffer simply because they have no money.  How is this fair in a world there is so much wealth?  Money does not solve all the problems... but the lack of money creates problem after problem after problem.  When someone doesn´t have what they need to buy food and clothing or pay for a home, they are forced to make decisions that create all kinds of other problems.  Without money life becomes about existence.. not about living.  And the thing is, from what I can tell, people here aren´t after great wealth.  They don´t want to be rich... they just don´t want to be hungry.

So... my excitement about seeing my beloved family is slightly tampered by the deep sadness I feel about leaving the people here (even though I know that staying wouldn´t make any difference).

And now I want to ask a favor of those of you who are reading my blog:
when you see me in Saskatoon... or we talk on the phone... please please please don´t ask me how my vacation was.  While I have certainly enjoyed much of my time here... it has not been a vacation.  This has been a time of intense learning... about the language, about the people and culture in Nicaragua, about myself.  I will be happy happy happy to talk to you about my learnings... about my experiences here but if you ask me "how was your time in Nicaragua" you better be prepared for the response as I continue to sort through my feelings and try to make sense of this suffering world and my (our) responsiblity as those who inhabit it.  Also, for those of you who are also following the path of Christianity... I will be most happy to engage in conversation about our call as those who are trying to live the love of Christ.

and now I will not be surprised... and will understand... if none of you ask me about my time in Nicaragua.

love,
me