Nelson Mandela said: “I am fundamentally an optimist. Whether that comes from nature or
nurture, I cannot say. Part of being optimistic is keeping one's head
pointed toward the sun, one's feet moving forward. There were many dark
moments when my faith in humanity was sorely tested, but I would not and
could not give myself up to despair. That way lays defeat and death.”
I haven't always been an optimist. My understanding of the world as more-than-half-full began to develop in my early 20s when my life took an unexpected turn. Interestingly... and I've never really been able to figure this out... my joy at the world and love of life began to grow at the same time that I was dealing with the death of my beloved dad (who, at the age of 48, went golfing one morning.. had a massive heart attach... and never returned home). It was also at that time that I began to deal with my addictions and sought a community of support both through Alcoholics Anonymous and through the church.
The best I can understand is that the unconditional love and acceptance of my friends in AA, and my new found discovery of a God of love and compassion did something crazy to my heart. Years of self-hatred inspired angst and fear began to crack away and I saw and felt, through the cracks, the glimmer of a light that held love and healing.
I have spent the last 20 years cracking away more and more and more. I believe... without any doubt at all... that I (and all of us) was/were created out of God's love into love. We were created to love. This does not mean at all that I have learned how to live that reality with any consistency... but it does mean that I have committed and re-commited myself to doing the best that I can.
For the most part, when I look at the world I see goodness. I see all of places where joy lives... where hope and love are abundant. I see people as fundamentally good. I do not believe there are bad people... only brokenness. I do not think anyone really enjoys doing bad things. I think it is the lack of displayed love, compassion and forgiveness in our world that creates a society where people act out in hate, anger and greed. I also believe that as long as there is breath, there is always hope for a better more just world. For me.. breath is imtimately related to the presence of God. - the ultimate source of hope.
While I was in Nicaragua I was my best.. most loving and compassionate... self. I felt as though all of the remaining hardness of my heart cracked away in one dramatic movement. I felt everything more intensely... the joy and grief, hope and despair, love and disgust. I can only guess about why my heart was exposed in such a way. I have many speculations. One of which, I believe, has to do with the simplicity of my life there. I found an amazing freedom in that simplicity. I never worried about food (I ate to live rather than lived to eat). My food choices were limited. I ate pretty much the same thing every day and while I joked about this on my blog, I found it so freeing. I didn't really get bored with the food I was eating and always felt full. There was no standing in front of a fridge... wondering what I could eat to fill the emptiness (hunger or other). The same was true of my clothing selection, as I had a limited amount of clothing available to me so wore the same clothes over and over again. I was free from the burden (and gift) of responsibility. I had nothing to do but learn Spanish and fall in love.
The love I felt for others motivated me to behave in more loving ways. In Nicaragua, I felt kinder, gentler and more compassionate. I wanted to be with those I loved and do whatever I could to make their lives a little easier.. that meant, in part, sharing financial resources but, more importantly, it meant sharing of myself. It meant listening to stories, visiting their homes, helping with homework and offering a hug. I really felt alive with love and a strong desire to do whatever I could do to demonstrate that love.
As you know, returning wasn't easy. Part of that was the grief of leaving behind people I care about. Part of that was facing the guilt I felt (and still feel) about my privilege and all the ways I have abused it, rather than used it to make a difference.
The other part of my unease at returning to Canada is because I was (and still am) afraid that my heart will start to grow crusty again. If, in simplicity, I discovered the freedom to love more deeply how on earth do I continue to love with intensity in the midst of a very cluttered, busy and responsilble life in Canada? How do I maintain my commitment to use my privilege for good in the midst of a culture that constantly demands that I use my privilege to get more privileges? How do I use my resources wisely when I already feel myself losing sight of what is important?
Once again... I do not have any answers to my questions... only more questions and a desire to talk to... and learn from... others who have struggled with similar questions.
I am currently reading the book called "Made for Goodness" by Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu. I'm going to close this post off with a quote that is sparking something warm and exciting in the area where my heart resides....
"Our experience, our reading of scripture, and the people who have been part of our lives -- however briefly -- have taught us some important truths that we will share with you in this book. First, we wills ee that we are all designed for goodness, and when we reocgnize that truth it makes all the difference in the world. Second, we are perfectly loved with a love that requires nothing of us, so we can stop "being good" and live into the goodness that is our essence. And third, God holds out an invitation to us -- an invitation to turn away from the anxious striving that has turned stress into a status symbol. It is an invitation to wholeness that leads to flourishing for all of us."
Yes...
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
Sunday, 8 April 2012
an Easter message...
this morning's Easter sunrise message... written and offered by Kaby Eremondi, an amazing grade 11 student and a member of McClure United Church. Thanks Kaby for giving me permission to share.
"When we think of Easter morning, we all know the usual story of triumph and joy. No one even thinks of the focus of this account: fear. In all reality, although it may not seem like the most favourable account, it is likely one of the most accurate. Even though Jesus told his followers that this would happen, how could they possibly believe it? After all, nothing like this had ever happened before, and it hasn't happened since. Can you imagine the fear going through their heads when Jesus' words became truth? In our lives today, we all feel this fear at one point or another. Think back to the scariest moments in your life. Remember your first day of high school? Your first day at a new job? The truth is, we all feel fear. But fear is not the end. Through their fear, the courage and joy of Easter comes through. After all, isn't that what Easter is truly about... overcoming obstacles, doing the impossible and facing our fears? Even being here, at this hour of this Easter morning shows this side of Easter. We all face our fears, brave the new day and remember what Jesus and Easter are all about."
AMEN
"When we think of Easter morning, we all know the usual story of triumph and joy. No one even thinks of the focus of this account: fear. In all reality, although it may not seem like the most favourable account, it is likely one of the most accurate. Even though Jesus told his followers that this would happen, how could they possibly believe it? After all, nothing like this had ever happened before, and it hasn't happened since. Can you imagine the fear going through their heads when Jesus' words became truth? In our lives today, we all feel this fear at one point or another. Think back to the scariest moments in your life. Remember your first day of high school? Your first day at a new job? The truth is, we all feel fear. But fear is not the end. Through their fear, the courage and joy of Easter comes through. After all, isn't that what Easter is truly about... overcoming obstacles, doing the impossible and facing our fears? Even being here, at this hour of this Easter morning shows this side of Easter. We all face our fears, brave the new day and remember what Jesus and Easter are all about."
AMEN
Friday, 6 April 2012
suffering & hope - can't have one without the other
I was thinking about boycotting Easter this year. I'm really into the solemnness and suffering of Holy Week... I'd kind of like to stay here for a little while. I'm not ready for a resurrection... for butterflies, white lilies and hallelujahs. In a odd-not-really-making-sense kind of way I am finding comfort in the discomfort found in the grief, violence and uncertainty of Jesus last days and of his death.
As I've alluded to in past postings... I've never really been one to stay patiently with difficult feelings. In fact, I have become quite the expert at avoidance. I've drunk, smoked and eaten them away... I've immersed myself in endless hours of mindless television, online games and obsessively checking my Facebook updates... all as way to avoid those difficult feelings. Over the years I have definitely had times in which I have had a much healthier, life-giving approach to suffering but it feels like those times have been more the exception than the norm.
My first impulses upon returning to Canada were to find some way to make myself feel better. I just wanted to feel "normal" again. Everything in my home... my community... my life felt (and still does feel) so different. All of the grief, frustration, anger that were growing in me while in Nicaragua came to full fruition upon arrival in Canada. I felt like a fish out of water... floundering. I am so so so grateful to everyone who has been part of my reintegration. I do, in fact, feel better. Not the its-really-not-that-bad-I-just-need-to-get-over-it kind of better but the it-really-is-that-bad-and-aren't-I-grateful-to-have-the-love-understanding-and-support-of-community kind of better. The many hugs, lunches, walks and coffee dates have made a HUGE difference. Also, I have attended 3 worship services at McClure this week. Just seeing that amazing community together... in prayer... has allowed my heart to heal. I experienced love... and with love I experience hope. I experience deep deep gratitude.
Don't get me wrong.. none of this means that I am ready to let go of the sadness I feel at the injustices that exist in our world. I still feel grief, frustration and anger. But somehow those feelings are easier to sit with when they are held together by love and hope.
Kind of like Holy week! For me, this year, the purpose of Holy Week is not to "get through" to the good news of resurrection. Holy Week is just what it is.... full of loss, violence and the presence of human greed, selfishness and fear... all of which are held together by the love of God and the hope that there is something more at work here than I can even begin to understand.
And besides... the resurrection does not represent the end of suffering. In fact, for those who loved Jesus it was the beginning of a new kind of suffering as they tried to figure out how they were supposed to live into their new reality. This person who they loved... who had had such a profound impact on their lives... had been tortured and murdered. One does not just "get over" that. They were grieving the loss... they were terrified that they might be next. The reality of Christ's death... and resurrection... was something they needed to live in to.
A friend reminded me this week that we are supposed to be an Easter people... the hope of resurrection is not just for Easter Sunday... it's for every day. I don't need to somehow quickly make it through my suffering so that I can be sunshine and smiles for Easter morning. Thank God!
Suffering is part of life.
Hope is part of life.
In order for me to fully engage with life I need to be open to each of these and recognize that they are not mutually exclusive ways of understanding the world. I am realizing that I can't, in fact, have one fully without engaging with the other.
As I've alluded to in past postings... I've never really been one to stay patiently with difficult feelings. In fact, I have become quite the expert at avoidance. I've drunk, smoked and eaten them away... I've immersed myself in endless hours of mindless television, online games and obsessively checking my Facebook updates... all as way to avoid those difficult feelings. Over the years I have definitely had times in which I have had a much healthier, life-giving approach to suffering but it feels like those times have been more the exception than the norm.
My first impulses upon returning to Canada were to find some way to make myself feel better. I just wanted to feel "normal" again. Everything in my home... my community... my life felt (and still does feel) so different. All of the grief, frustration, anger that were growing in me while in Nicaragua came to full fruition upon arrival in Canada. I felt like a fish out of water... floundering. I am so so so grateful to everyone who has been part of my reintegration. I do, in fact, feel better. Not the its-really-not-that-bad-I-just-need-to-get-over-it kind of better but the it-really-is-that-bad-and-aren't-I-grateful-to-have-the-love-understanding-and-support-of-community kind of better. The many hugs, lunches, walks and coffee dates have made a HUGE difference. Also, I have attended 3 worship services at McClure this week. Just seeing that amazing community together... in prayer... has allowed my heart to heal. I experienced love... and with love I experience hope. I experience deep deep gratitude.
Don't get me wrong.. none of this means that I am ready to let go of the sadness I feel at the injustices that exist in our world. I still feel grief, frustration and anger. But somehow those feelings are easier to sit with when they are held together by love and hope.
Kind of like Holy week! For me, this year, the purpose of Holy Week is not to "get through" to the good news of resurrection. Holy Week is just what it is.... full of loss, violence and the presence of human greed, selfishness and fear... all of which are held together by the love of God and the hope that there is something more at work here than I can even begin to understand.
And besides... the resurrection does not represent the end of suffering. In fact, for those who loved Jesus it was the beginning of a new kind of suffering as they tried to figure out how they were supposed to live into their new reality. This person who they loved... who had had such a profound impact on their lives... had been tortured and murdered. One does not just "get over" that. They were grieving the loss... they were terrified that they might be next. The reality of Christ's death... and resurrection... was something they needed to live in to.
A friend reminded me this week that we are supposed to be an Easter people... the hope of resurrection is not just for Easter Sunday... it's for every day. I don't need to somehow quickly make it through my suffering so that I can be sunshine and smiles for Easter morning. Thank God!
Suffering is part of life.
Hope is part of life.
In order for me to fully engage with life I need to be open to each of these and recognize that they are not mutually exclusive ways of understanding the world. I am realizing that I can't, in fact, have one fully without engaging with the other.
Tuesday, 3 April 2012
a little more wisdom God!
The topic for discussion at my AA meeting this morning was "acceptance".
I have been recovering from the effects of alcoholism for 19 years, 3 months and 1 day. This program has transformed my life. There are so many aspects of the 12 steps that I have found absolutely invaluable in figuring out how I want to live in the world. At various times in my life I have clung to the concepts of "letting go", "living one day at a time", "keeping it simple". However, the concept of "acceptance" is one that I have struggled with. The serenity prayer asks God for "the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference".
Now there are some things I clearly can NOT change: (1) the weather; (2) the crazy rate at which time seems to fly by; (3) the thoughts, feelings and actions of another. While not always easy, I am learning how to accept these clearly unchangable things.
There are other things that I clearly CAN change: (1) personal choices about how I will live my life.. where I will live and work, who I will be friends with, what I will spend my "extra" money on; (2) how I will respond to the thoughts, feelings and actions of another [will I be angry, frustrated, jealous, competitive, impatient];
But this is where it begins to fall apart. I'm afraid God has fallen short :-) on granting me the "wisdom to know the difference" in too many areas. There are certain character traits that I have tried for years and years and years to rid myself of: perfectionism, sensitivity, independence, stubbornness being some that easily come to mind. I am coming to realize (and its about bloody time!) that those characteristics that I have, for whatever reason, deemed to be "character defects" are, in fact, the personal attributes that make me who I am. Some of those characteristics have gotten me through a few really really difficult situations. Some of those characteristics are what allow me to connect with others... my sensitivity is attached to empathy and understanding.
Many of you who have been following my blog have commented that you appreciate the way in which I have allowed myself to be "vulnerable" in my writings. You say you have been able to connect with my experience in Nicaragua because I was able to articulate more than simply facts and interesting photos... that I was able to articulate the ramblings of my heart. It is only because of the sensitivity (which, for me, is just another word for a big ole' wide open heart) that I was able to fully immerse myself in the lives of the people there. In a very short time I loved them... I felt their love for me... I felt their joy and I felt their suffering.
Sure it would be easier for me if God magically whisked away my "senstivitiy". FEELING, as I have discovered in a very intense way over the past week, is NOT my idea of a good time! No no... I am not enjoying it at all BUT when I think of the alternative I feel very grateful. The alternative to feeling deeply is feeling nothing. For years I attempted NOT to feel by abusing alcohol... and then food. The result was not that I didn't feel... it was that I didn't feel happy. To avoid feeling pain also means to avoid feeling joy. And so, as difficult as it is, I choose to feel. I choose to view my sensitivity as a character gift as opposed to a character flaw.
There are many other grey areas of acceptance in which God is denying me the wisdom to discern. For example... I know I can not/should not accept the injustices that exist in our world. I know that change needs to happen. The looming-larger-than-life question that I am currently sitting with is... how? what can I do? how can I make a difference?
I learned SO much while in Nicaragua. I saw so much injustice... right there before my very eyes... day after day. My big heart aches for the people I met and for their community. But a big aching heart, as enjoyable as it is, isn't going to make a difference. So what will? What is the solution? Do I need to self-deprive (not eat out, go to the movies, buy new clothes, go on vacations)? Does boycotting Walmart really make a difference? Does it make a difference if I march in a protest? What about writing a letter to the government... is that the answer? I suspect an answer lies somewhere in the midst of all those possiblities but none of it feels nearly adequate.
As I watch my tan slowly fade away I feel this growing sense of urgency to figure something out.
I need a plan.
I need to put into action the stirrings of my heart.
How?
I have been recovering from the effects of alcoholism for 19 years, 3 months and 1 day. This program has transformed my life. There are so many aspects of the 12 steps that I have found absolutely invaluable in figuring out how I want to live in the world. At various times in my life I have clung to the concepts of "letting go", "living one day at a time", "keeping it simple". However, the concept of "acceptance" is one that I have struggled with. The serenity prayer asks God for "the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference".
Now there are some things I clearly can NOT change: (1) the weather; (2) the crazy rate at which time seems to fly by; (3) the thoughts, feelings and actions of another. While not always easy, I am learning how to accept these clearly unchangable things.
There are other things that I clearly CAN change: (1) personal choices about how I will live my life.. where I will live and work, who I will be friends with, what I will spend my "extra" money on; (2) how I will respond to the thoughts, feelings and actions of another [will I be angry, frustrated, jealous, competitive, impatient];
But this is where it begins to fall apart. I'm afraid God has fallen short :-) on granting me the "wisdom to know the difference" in too many areas. There are certain character traits that I have tried for years and years and years to rid myself of: perfectionism, sensitivity, independence, stubbornness being some that easily come to mind. I am coming to realize (and its about bloody time!) that those characteristics that I have, for whatever reason, deemed to be "character defects" are, in fact, the personal attributes that make me who I am. Some of those characteristics have gotten me through a few really really difficult situations. Some of those characteristics are what allow me to connect with others... my sensitivity is attached to empathy and understanding.
Many of you who have been following my blog have commented that you appreciate the way in which I have allowed myself to be "vulnerable" in my writings. You say you have been able to connect with my experience in Nicaragua because I was able to articulate more than simply facts and interesting photos... that I was able to articulate the ramblings of my heart. It is only because of the sensitivity (which, for me, is just another word for a big ole' wide open heart) that I was able to fully immerse myself in the lives of the people there. In a very short time I loved them... I felt their love for me... I felt their joy and I felt their suffering.
Sure it would be easier for me if God magically whisked away my "senstivitiy". FEELING, as I have discovered in a very intense way over the past week, is NOT my idea of a good time! No no... I am not enjoying it at all BUT when I think of the alternative I feel very grateful. The alternative to feeling deeply is feeling nothing. For years I attempted NOT to feel by abusing alcohol... and then food. The result was not that I didn't feel... it was that I didn't feel happy. To avoid feeling pain also means to avoid feeling joy. And so, as difficult as it is, I choose to feel. I choose to view my sensitivity as a character gift as opposed to a character flaw.
There are many other grey areas of acceptance in which God is denying me the wisdom to discern. For example... I know I can not/should not accept the injustices that exist in our world. I know that change needs to happen. The looming-larger-than-life question that I am currently sitting with is... how? what can I do? how can I make a difference?
I learned SO much while in Nicaragua. I saw so much injustice... right there before my very eyes... day after day. My big heart aches for the people I met and for their community. But a big aching heart, as enjoyable as it is, isn't going to make a difference. So what will? What is the solution? Do I need to self-deprive (not eat out, go to the movies, buy new clothes, go on vacations)? Does boycotting Walmart really make a difference? Does it make a difference if I march in a protest? What about writing a letter to the government... is that the answer? I suspect an answer lies somewhere in the midst of all those possiblities but none of it feels nearly adequate.
As I watch my tan slowly fade away I feel this growing sense of urgency to figure something out.
I need a plan.
I need to put into action the stirrings of my heart.
How?
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