first reflection..

1.  don't ever ever ever go to the West Edmonton Mall on December 27th
2.  yes... even kiddie rides make me vomit

Not bad for the 2nd day of sabbatical!  Keep this up and I'll be a genious by June.

and finally...

So after much anticipation and preparation the sabbatical time has arrived.  Five months away from regular life.. a time to rest, reflect, renew.
I wasn't surprised that my last day... Christmas Eve... was full of a mix of emotions. 
Excitement!  Imagining all of the things this time will allow me to do.. time to be at home with my family, time to rest, to exercise, to cook a proper meal, maybe even to use my neglected gym membership.  Excitement as I dream of my long-awaited trip to Nicaragua.
Anxiety (see previous post).  Anxiety about the large amounts of unstructured time that is in front of me.  I have used my busyness as an excuse to not do so many things (clean my house, go to the gym).  What if I discover that, in fact, I'm not too busy - just too lazy?
Curiousity!  In planning for my time away I have realized how much of my life is consumed by McClure and the wonderful people there.  I am at the church every day... most evenings... most weekends.  I'm a bit embarrassed to say that most of the people I know in Saskatoon are from McClure.  So now what do I do?  My sense of self is so intertwined with my role in the church.  Now who will I be?
Sadness!  I really really love my job.  I love the people of McClure.  I especially love the youth and children who have been such a huge part of my ministry there.  I will miss seeing their faces.  I will miss my weekly check in with the youth - hearing about their struggles, their joys.  I feel a genuine sense of sadness in anticipation of how much I will miss everyone.
Extreme gratitude!  I feel such a huge sense of blessedness for this opportunity.  I mean really really blessed.  Wow!  5 months of time.

That's it for now!  I am battling a horrible cold... have lost my voice and feel completely exhausted.  Yesterday I travelled, with my family, to Edmonton by bus.  Hope, Meran & Mashall were engaged by their new Christmas games and movies while Jordan and I caught a couple hours of much needed sleep.  I was reluctant to take the bus but am so grateful we did.  

Merry Christmas!!

Waiting and other such nonsense...

Advent is my favorite time of the year.  I love the energy and excitement of waiting... for the gathering of family & friends, for gifts, for huge feast and, of course, for the celebration of the birth of Christ.  Normally, I love the time of waiting - and preparing.  
But this year it feels different.  Advent isn't even here yet and already I've moved on to January.  I can tell it will be a constant struggle for me, over the next four weeks, to stay in the present moment and to not allow my mind to be filled with anxiousness about sabbatical thoughts.
So I'm going to name my anxiousness right here... just put it out there and then, hopefully, find a way (with God's help) to let it go (at least for a little while).  So I'm anxious about:

• having too much unstructured time... not using my time wisely... wasting time... not making time to do what is important... 
• not allowing myself to be present in the moment so as to miss the presence of God as it moves around and through me
• traveling on my own to Nicaragua... getting lost... missing my flight...
• arriving in Nicaragua.. getting lost... not understanding the language... not being able to find the bathroom... being thrown in jail (no idea what that's about!)
• not being able to learn Spanish well enough to communicate... spending two months in Nicaragua feeling stupid and not being able to communicate
• Nicaraguan bugs
• missing my family too much
• not being missed by my family enough
• having too high of expectations for my time away and being disappointed in the end

That's enough for now.  The funny thing about anxiety is - the more attention I give it the greater it becomes.  Perhaps if I redirect that attention to my last month of ministry before Sabbatical starts I can regrow my excitement for Advent  instead.  Hmmmm....