the last reflection...

This is my final sabbatical reflection and one that I shared during the sermon time at McClure United Church on Sunday.

I have so much to tell you... it's really hard to know where to begin. 

But I'll begin saying a great big thank you. 

The  gift of sabbatical time has been such an incredible blessing to me. 

Thank you for making that possible. 

Thank you for your prayers...

thank you for your emails of love and support...

I can't tell you how much it meant to me to know that during my time away people here were thinking of me and holding me in loving prayers. 

And, of course, I am also extremely grateful to Ron and Debra for carrying an extra load in my absence and to all those who filled in and covered for me...  Zac and Shannon for caring for the youth.. and Meghan and the Faith Development Committee for organizing Rainbow Village.

I also want to say that I missed you... so very very much I missed you.  And I am grateful to be back. 

I really want to share with you today some of what I learned during my time away. I want to tell you about how the spirit of God has been working in my life…

I think an important reflection to share… especially during this season of Pentecost.

Many of you, I know, have already read some of the personal reflections I offered on my blog over the past 5 months..  but if you haven’t… and are interested... I’ve made copies of my blog posts and you can find them at the back of the church.

So I guess a good place to begin is at the beginning.  My sabbatical began on December 25... Christmas Eve being my last official day of work. 

Most of January was spent slumming around in my pj's, drinking tea, memorizing spanish words and preparing for my trip, packing, unpacking and repacking my backpack... and taking care of all of the little details I needed to take care of. 

I’d been planning this trip to Nicaragua for over a year.  At first it felt as though the day would never arrive... and then suddenly I found myself on an airplane bound first for Houston Texas and then on to Nicaragua... to the capital city of Managua and finally to the city that would become my home for 2 months... the city of Esteli. 

Esteli is the third largest city in Nicaragua... about 120,000 people live there. 

Nicaragua itself has a very interesting and somewhat tragic history... part of which includes a devasting earthquake that happened in 1972 wiping out 90% of Managua (a city of 400,000 people at the time). 

Another huge part of this country's history involves the Sandanista revolution which also took place in the late 70s. 

It was a revolution that effectively overthrew the existing dictatorship, claiming power and forming the first democratically elected government. 

Prior to these two events, Nicaragua was the wealthiest and most developed country in central america...

     but they have never been able to recover from the mass destruction caused by both the earthquake and the revolution. 

Esteli itself was heavily air-bombed in the late 70s... destroying most of the city and many of its people.

So currently Nicaragua is the second poorest country in Latin America.  Statistics say that about 47% of the people living in Nicaragua live on less than $1 per day.

And this is where my story begins...

Everything about my first few days in Esteli felt completely surreal.  My home was located in Los Coquitos... one of the poorer areas of the city.  My hosts... Lucilla and Nievez, although not wealthy in terms of money were rich with hospitality and warmth and even though they spoke no English and I spoke very little Spanish, they managed to make me feel very comfortable and safe. 

Now… just to paint you a little picture of what I experienced...

I want you to imagine streets.. narrow streets less than half the size of what we have here... filled with people. walking, biking, riding horses... filled with animals... cows, chickens, roosters, dogs, horses all sharing the road with taxis, buses and other various motor vehicles. 

And then imagine the houses... many of which were wood shacks with dirt floors and tin roofs... others, like the one i stayed in, were concrete slabs with concrete floors and tin roofs.  

Much of the concrete brightly painted with every imaginable color... pinks, greens, orange, purple and sometimes all on the same building. 

Also imagine the beautiful forested mountains surrounding Esteli. 

And imagine the ginormous mountains... 2 of them.. that I had to climb every day to and from my spanish school.  

And finally.. imagine the people. 

Beautiful people... friendly, joyful, proud... and very very poor. 

Because I lived and spent most of my time in the Los Coquitos... I got to know many of these people on a very personal level. 

I’d sit every evening in front of my house pretending to study but actually watching the comings and goings of the neighbourhood and many people would stop by to say hello. 

Some of them I spoke to only once or twice... others became dear friends that I saw and spent time with every day. 

And this is where my story really begins... with the people of Esteli because these people invited me into their homes and lives... shared with me their joys and struggles...

and because of them I have been forever changed. 

I'm not sure why... but during my time in Nicaragua, my heart was opened up in a way it has never been before. 

Now I've always been pretty much a heart person... but here.. I don't know... something different happened.  

And I think what happened was that removed from the business and chaos, that can often be my life here in Saskatoon I was able to be so much more connected and present, to myself and to the people around me. 

In the absence of daily responsibilities and the stress that can sometimes accompany them, an opening was created for God to enter in...

I was, in a sense, born again.. spiritually awakened...

as Jesus said to Nicodemus... I was born from above.  

When I was in Nicaragua I became my best, most compassionate, loving, generous self. 

I entered fully into the lives of the people I met there. 

I loved them...

I shared their joys and I shared their struggles and in the midst of that I felt a growing sense of discomfort bubbling up inside of me...

discomfort with my own privilege...

a privilege that has not been earned or granted based on merit but has been inherited because of pure luck... because I happen to have been born to middle class parents, with white skin, in Canada.  

I also felt a growing discomfort  with our culture...

a culture that allows people to go without... without food, medical care, adequate housing, water, education. 

I felt ashamed of our world...

a world where there is so much more than enough to go around..

where so many of us have more than enough of everything, while others in the world don't have nearly enough of anything. 

I began to think about all of the waste I've participated in... wasted money, wasted food, wasted time...

None of it felt very good and yet, at the same time, it stirred up in me a fierce compassion and desire to help in whatever way I could.

While I was in Nicaragua I did what I could to help those I could.  

I shared meals, money and other resources but more importantly... for me and for them... I shared myself... my time.. my friendship... I shared hugs and stories. 

I shared my love.  

I shared everything I could but yet, when the time came, I left there feeling, as though everything I had to share would never be enough.  I left there with a tremendous amount of guilt that I was returning to my privileged life...

it was hard not to feel as though I was turning my back on them. 

I left Esteli with a heart that had tripled in size... full of love and compassion while, at the same time...  teetering on despair for the state of humanity. 

But.. being the eternal optimist... the one who tends to see the glass always as half full... this isn't the end of my story... despair does not have the final word.

I went to Nicargua to learn Spanish. 

It's about the only thing I didn't learn. 

Instead I learned alot about me and about God... I learned that if you're going to create space for God's spirit to enter in you better be good and ready to go through the labor pains of rebirth.  And.. it wasn't really even that i created the space for God... it's more like God saw that I was vulnerable and open and seized the opportunity to move right on in.  

And once the spirit of God took over my Nicaraguan agenda.. it was game over. 

God opened my heart to love and through that love I experienced deep compassion...

and through that compassion I experienced the grief of leaving my friends behind...

sorrow as I realized that once I left their lives would return to normal... their struggles would continue, as always,...  this is when the despair began to set in...

but as I said... this story… it doesn’t end in despair...

This story ends in a renewed and passionate commitment to living out the love and compassion that is such a central part of who I am... of who, I believe, we all are.

In the 2 months since I've returned from Nicaragua I've had lots of time to reflect... to pray...  to live into the rebirth that I experienced there. 

I've suffered the growing pains of reintegration...  of returning to what to me feels like vast wealth..  of returning to a culture of consumerism and intense competition. 

I've come to terms with my privilege and rather than feeling guilty about it... am finding the determination I need to use my privilege for good.. rather than to gain more privilege. 

I still feel ashamed that I live in a world of people who don't know how... or are too afraid... to share abundantly.  

A world that has so much wealth... so many resources... but where people are forced to live in terrible poverty. 

In my reflecting over the past two months I’ve spent much time reading various books that I thought might help me in my search for hope to balance the despair.  Once of those books is by Archbishop Desmond Tutu and it's called “Made for Goodness”.  I read one paragraph in the very beginning part of the book that helped me to reorient myself... that began to reinstore my hope and give all of my heartfelt learnings a new direction... and this is what it says...

“Our experience, our reading of scripture, and the people who have been part of our lives -- however briefly -- have taught us some important truths that we will share with you in this book.  First, we will see that we are all designed for goodness, and when we recognize that truth it makes all the difference in the world.  Second, we are perfectly loved with a love that requires nothing of us, so we can stop "being good" and live into the goodness that is our essence.  And third, God holds out an invitation to us -- an invitation to turn away from the anxious striving that has turned stress into a status symbol.  It is an invitation to wholeness that leads to flourishing for all of us."

These words hold out so much hope... and they reminded me of one of my most basic beliefs about humanity... one that sort of got lost there for a little while. 

My basic belief about humanity.. about all of us is this...  we are good. 

We were created in God's image...

and as the creation story tells us in Genesis... after God created man and woman and looked upon them and all of creation.. God say.. “it is very good”.  

No matter what we have done... or not done... that goodness is always a part of us. 

It is a part of me... and it is a part of each one of you.  

God's goodness is the essence of every single human being. 

God's goodness is the essence of all of creation.   Now, if this is true... and I really really believe it is... then there is always hope.  

The evil that exists in our world.. the evils of violence, of racism, of neglect... the evils that create poverty... all of these go against that fundamental goodness. 

And because I believe in the truth of God's kingdom... a kingdom where goodness reigns... I know without any doubt at all that just like my despair... these things will not have the final word.  Evil is not the end of our story.

I believe that the goodness of God's kingdom is not something of the far off future but it is here… it is now. 

For every evil deed that is being committed right now there are many more good deeds taking place...

people all across the world are working for change. 

People are responding every minute to the call of goodness that’s within them.  

There are thousands of organizations working to make this world a better place. 

There are millions of people involved in these organizations or working on their own to share their goodness with the world.

To give in to despair is to deny the goodness. 

I can't deny the goodness... I've experienced it – both in receiving the goodness offered by others and by being compelled to share the goodness that is in me with those around me. 

The rebirth I experienced in Nicargua was an awakening of that goodness... all I wanted to do was to help... to reach out... to just love.

Returning to Canada hasn’t changed that.  

And while I feel compelled to share my experience of Nicaragua and the struggles of the people I met there.. I am also compelled to be a voice that reminds people of their goodness..

to convince others to let their goodness out... let.. it.. out…let it be awakened in you...

or let the goodness that is already shining through be strengthened.

I think that what’s wrong with our world...

what drives people to live in ways that are selfish, arrogant, impatient, and even violent....

is that we have forgotten that we are good. 

We have forgotten that God created us out of the deep and spacious goodness of love.... into love... to be love.  

Our love is God's only hope for the world. 

God needs us to love.  

The world needs us to love. 

And we need to be  that love... not to just think it... not to just quietly share it with those we’re closest to... but to be that love in big, bold and daring ways. 

Imagine what our world would look like if everyone lived to love.... what a wonderful world that would be.  

And so... I've returned to you... to my ministry here with this new fire burning inside of me. 

I’m so ready to share God's love. 

And what does sharing God’s love look like? 

For me, sharing God's love looks like compassion, empathy, caring... it looks like sharing laughter and sharing tears... it looks like sharing what I have so that others might have what they need. It also looks like anger at injustice... it looks standing with those who need a friend, and challenging systems that keep people on the margins. 

It looks like challenging a culture that works so hard to convince us that we are not good enough. 

God's love is not all sunshine and roses... and living God's love is certainly not an easy task... but it is absolutely essential... not only to the health and wholeness of our world... but also to our own sense of well being.

And the first step to living that love is remembering who we are. 

We are goodness. 

No matter how angry, or bitter, or distraught you might feel... no matter what life has handed to you... no matter how you have responded to what life has handed you... you are good.  

You were created in the image of God and nothing you can do... or nothing that has been done to you... can ever ever change that. 

The best thing you can do for yourself.. the best thing you can do for the world.. is to accept this simple truth. 

You are goodness.

I'm telling you to do whatever you need to do to see your goodness. 

If there’re things you have done that you feel guilty about... that are getting in the way of your ability to see yourself as God sees you... then do what you have to do to let it go....  talk to someone.. talk to God. 

If life has left you angry, or bitter, or full of despair... talk about it... pray about it.  

It doesn't matter how you do it, I just urge you to do something.  

The greatest sin we can commit, I think, is not living up to our full potential and as long as we refuse to accept the goodness that’s within us… and also within others… we are refusing to be who God calls us to be.

As I said earlier... I think that one of the reasons I found myself spiritually awakened in Nicaragua was because I slowed down long enough to be more present to myself... to those around me and, also to God. 

I think that this is absolutely key to everything I'm talking about here. 

In order for our hearts to be opened.. for us to notice the great need in the world and feel adequately equipped to respond with love, compassion and challenge when it’s needed..

in order for us to be able to recognize God's presence in our lives and the goodness that that presence brings... we must slow down. 

We must make time for silence... for reflection.  We must create an openness for God's spirit to enter in. 

God is here... right here... waiting... hoping... for the opportunity to create new life in all of us.   God loves us that much!  Thanks be to God!

my eutopia...

One of my daughter's final projects for school this year is to dream up and articulate a "eutopian society".  Her questions and our discussions have had me pondering this notion of eutopia.  Not an easy concept.

Today I was reading a book by none other than Bishop Desmond Tutu.  The chapter I was reading is called "God's Dream".  This is my eutopia...

"I have a dream," God says.  "Please help me to realize it.  It is a dream of a world whose ugliness and squalor and poverty, its war and hostility, its greed and harsh competitiveness, its alienation and disharmony are changed into their glorious counterparts, when there will be more laughter, joy, and peace, where there will be justice and goodness and compassion and love and caring and sharing.  I have a dream that swords will be beaten into plowshares and spears into pruning hooks, that my children will know that they are members of one family, the human family, my family."

Bishop Tutu goes on to say:
'In God's family, there are no outsiders.  All are insiders.  Black and white, rich and poor, gay and straight, Jew and Arab, Palestinian and Israeli, Roman Catholic and Protestant, Serb and Albanian, Hutu and tutsi, Muslim and Christian, Buddhist and Hindu, Pakistani and Indian - all belong.'

And also...
'The wonderful thing about family is that you are not expected to agree about everything under the sun.  Show me a man and wife who have never disagreed and I will show you some accomplished fibbers. But those disagreements, pray God, do not usually destroy the unity of the family.  And so it should be with God's family.  We are not expected at all times to be unanimous or to have a consensus on every conceivable subject.  What is needed is to respect one another's points of view and not to impute unworthy motives to one another or to seek to impugn the integrity of the other.  Our maturity will be judged by how well we are able to agree to disagree and yet continue to love one another, to care for one another and cherish one another and seek the greater good of the other.
Another characteristic of the family is its willingness to share.  The early church went so far as to have its members selling their property, each refusing to claim as his exclusive properyt what had belonged to him before. They had all things in common.  When the one part suffered, the whole suffered with it, and when one part prospered, then the whole prospered wtih it.  There was a mutuality in the relationship in which all gave and all received.  In a happy family you don't receive in proportion to your input.  You receive in relation to your needs, the ones who make the least material contribution often being the ones who are most cared for - the young and the aged.'

And finally...
'Members of a family have a gentle and caring compassion for one another.  How I pray that we will open our eyes and see the real, true identity of each one of us, that this one is not a white or black, Hindu, Buddhist, Christian, Muslim or Jew but a brother, a sister, and treat each other as such.  If we could but recognize our common humanity, that we do belong together, that our destinies are bound up in one another's, that we can be free only together, that we can survive only together, that we can be human only together, then a glorious world would come into being where all of us lived harmoniously together as members of one family, the human family, God's family.  In truth a transfiguration would take place.  God's dream would become a reality.'

I believe in God's dream.  I believe it is possible.  I believe it is beginning to happen already.

my last week...

In less than an hour I will be leaving home once again.  For a shorter time.. and slightly less distance... but to one of my favorite places in the entire world.  I am leaving for a time of retreat, reflection, prayer and silence at the Qu'Appelle House of Prayer in Fort Qu'Appelle.  If you have never been, I encourage you to check it out.  They have a website with photos and information.  I have been a few times now and each time have come away feeling more centered and grounded in the love of God... my source of strength, hope and joy.

It is hard to believe that I am entering into my last week of sabbatical time.  What a journey it has been!  I feel so so so so so completely grateful to McClure United Church for granting me this unbelievable gift of time.  Also for giving me the freedom to let that time just be and unfold.  I am grateful particularly to the Ministry and Personnel Committee for encouraging me to not over-structure my time away.  This has given me the space I needed to let God's spirit move in curious and unexpected ways.  I have learned some of what I intended to learn and a whole lot that I never expected.  I am heading into my last week feeling rested, refreshed and spiritually awakened.  I am also heading into my last week feeling excited about my return to McClure and my ministry there.  I love love love the people of McClure.  The other night I ran into Emma... a member of McClure in the 7th grade and her mom.  I saw in Emma's face excitement and love when our eyes met.  She moved quickly to where I was standing (in Mystic Java) and gave me a wonderful hug.  I felt in that moment the intensity of my love for the people of McClure... for the children, youth and the older folks who have been such an inspiration to me for the past 6 years.  I am ready and excited to be back among them... living together the love of Christ in the world.  I am so incredibly blessed. 

I am also incredibly grateful to my beautiful colleagues Ron and Debra.  They have carried a heavier load because of my absence and yet I have felt only support and encouragement from them.  I look forward to being with them again and continuing to grow our ministry together.

A couple of weeks ago I invited those who are able to join me on Sunday, May 27th at 7:30pm at my house to share in a time of conversation and reflection with me.  It's going to be a pretty informal gathering and the purpose is for me to be able to share some of my experiences and learnings and to solicit the questions, challenges, experiences, and stories of others.  If you are in the area and able to join me... please do.  This invitation is open to anyone who might want to stop by.   My address is 602 McKercher Drive.  I really hope to see you there... there is already a wonderful group who are planning to come but the more, the merrier.

And, while I will be in silence for the next week... I do hope to post about my experience there.  I have discovered that I really enjoy writing.  I'm hoping to continue with my blogging after sabbatical.  I suppose I'll need to change the name to "Laura post-sabbatical".

Thanks for reading... God bless!

I've taken up the challenge...

A while ago I posted the following update on Facebook...
"I'm taking the 21 day challenge to a complaint free world (no complaining, gossiping or unhealthy criticizing). Put on my complaint-free bracelet this morning..."

A few of my friends have asked me how it's going.

It is going better than I expected it to go.
It's going differently than I expected it to go.

The idea of the "complaint free challenge" comes from a book I read.  The idea is that whenever someone wearing the "complaint free" bracelet finds themself complaining, criticizing or gossiping, they are to switch their bracelet onto the other wrist.  The goal, I believe, is to raise awareness of how much negative energy we are putting into the world.   I don't know about you... but I know that for me, when I am habitually complaining, criticizing or gossiping (and it's funny how often those three go hand in hand), I find myself feeling less joyful... less loving... less compassionate.

My journey is a journey towards greater, more intentional love and so this felt like a good step along that path.  And it was working.. I did notice myself pausing several times in the day to check in with myself before speaking.   The questions I ask myself are simple (and, big shock, inspired from something I read by Desmond Tutu).. "is it true"... "is it kind"... "is it necessary".  Often I refrain from saying something I might otherwise have blurted out... this is good.

HOWEVER.. as with most things in my life I found myself taking it to extreme... getting frustrated with myself whenever I needed to switch the bracelet and also frustrated with the number of times I was compelled to complain but had to bite my tongue.  The voice of harsh judgment was making its way into my awareness... crushing out the voice of compassion and love (the very reason I was doing this in the first place).


I realized that the very act of changing my bracelet had become a form of self-criticism.  I needed to change my bracelet because I changed my bracelet.  I could see how this was going to be far too time consuming (and far less helpful) than I had anticipated.

I realized this morning that the challenge I've taken is incomplete.  While I continue to think it is a good thing to become aware and challenge the negativity I put into the world, I think it is even more important to notice, become more aware of and give thanks for all of the times I witness and participate in the goodness - in the love, compassion, joy - that is being put into the world every single day... I would even say every moment of every single day.

The bracelet I constructed myself for this challenge has those famous letters "WWJD" on them.  I don't think Jesus gossiped, complained or unnecessarily criticized those around him.   I do think he displayed radical acts of love, kindness, generosity, selflessness, compassion..

So I'm taking up a new challenge.  It will be my "WWJD" challenge.   I will continue to notice when I feel compelled to complain, gossip or criticize.  But I will also work to become more aware at all of the ways that I witness and participate in goodness.  The reality is that I, and most everyone I know, commit far more acts of goodness than we do of ungoodness (it's my blog and this is a word!).  I believe that the ungoodness will naturally be pushed to the background of our lives when we are better able to be aware of the amazing power of God's love at work through us.

Go. Be. Love. The world needs you.  The world needs all of us.  

an awakened heart...

Yesterday a friend asked me "how have you been changed by your experience [in Nicaragua]"...

Part of the answer to that question is easy.   I talked about my greater awareness of global issues.   I have been changed by the concrete experience of witnessing and living amongst people who live in poverty.  The reality of great poverty in our wealthy world has become much more tangible to me.  It is no longer only a concept... one that I have always had compassion for - albeit a detached kind of compassion.  
 
I have been changed in that I now feel a deep attachment and connection to the friends I made in Nicaragua who I know are living the struggle every single day.  Just this morning I received a phone call from my friend, Alberto, who is without work.  He has no money... he has no food... his truck has broken down.  Alberto called in despair, and not just for himself and his family but also for his community.  He says that he doesn't have work because nobody has money... it's not just he who is suffering.   He is in the awful position of needing to make a decision to either leave his community and his family in search of opportunity in the United States or to stay and try to make the best of it.  I sat and listened... tried to offer words of encouragement and hope... but mostly just feeling utterly and completely helpless.   He called to ask me to pray for him and his family. 

I do pray... for Alberto and his family, for all of my friends in Esteli and for people around my city and throughout the world who face similar seemingly impossible situations every single day.  Although I do believe in the power of prayer, it doesn't feel like enough.   Prayer does not fill an empty stomach.   Once again I am faced with the question... "what CAN I do?"   My experience in Nicaragua changed me in that this question feels more immediate for me now... more urgent.   When I ask this question now, there are faces attached... poverty has become personal for me in a way it hasn't really been before.  It is impossible for me to ignore the reality of such a huge percentage of our world's population.  When I think poverty now I first see the faces of my friends in Esteli... Alberto, Esmilda, Karla, Joakin... but those images are immediately followed by the images of countless other faces, real and imagined.  Faces of those I see in my own city, faces of those I've seen on television news reports or in magazines.  In my heart, there is a much greater universal connection now than existed before.  For this I feel so grateful... and a little overwhelmed.

The other ways I have been changed are a little more difficult for me to understand and, therefore, articulate.  For some reason, when I was in Nicaragua, I allowed my heart to be opened wide.  Allowed isn't actually the right word... because it wasn't a conscious choice.  If I was in a position of making that choice, I probably would have been defensive... possibly even fled.   It just kinda happened.  One day I woke up and realized I had fallen in love... with my friends, with the community, with the culture... and it felt so AMAZING.  And then it hurt.  Falling in love meant experiencing their lives, the good and the not-so-good,  in a more intense... a more present... way.  

Loving friendships have never been very easy for me.  It's hard for me to trust.  It's hard for me to connect.  I have always kept friends at an arms length... partly as a form of self-protection and partly because I have never really thought of myself as very likeable.   Somewhere in the back of my mind I have always believed that if people REALLY got to know me they wouldn't like what they see.

Anyway...  whatever the reason for the whole opening of the heart thing... I'm deciding that I kind of like it this way.  I'm kind of enjoying(?) feeling the love and grief and joy and pain.  Along with the awakening of feeling has come an awakening of presence.  As my eyes have become more open to the evil that exists in our world, I am also becoming more open to the beauty and goodness.  It's true... there are probably things about me that aren't so likeable BUT they are not the whole of me. FIRST there is goodness and love and beauty.   Goodness existed before the trials and tribulations of life caused me to create some defenses that look like defensiveness, moodiness, and control-freak type behaviours.  

I am good.  Created out of goodness, into a world that is good.   My journey is to live that goodness to the best of my ability.

And.. of course... reason would have it that if I am good... created out of goodness... so is everyone else.  

My journey is not only to live the goodness that is in me, it is also to search for, call to, encourage and love the goodness that is in you... and you... and you...  

created to love... made for goodness

Nelson Mandela said:  “I am fundamentally an optimist. Whether that comes from nature or nurture, I cannot say. Part of being optimistic is keeping one's head pointed toward the sun, one's feet moving forward. There were many dark moments when my faith in humanity was sorely tested, but I would not and could not give myself up to despair. That way lays defeat and death.”

I haven't always been an optimist.  My understanding of the world as more-than-half-full began to develop in my early 20s when my life took an unexpected turn.   Interestingly... and I've never really been able to figure this out... my joy at the world and love of life began to grow at the same time that I was dealing with the death of my beloved dad (who, at the age of 48, went golfing one morning.. had a massive heart attach... and never returned home).  It was also at that time that I began to deal with my addictions and sought a community of support both through Alcoholics Anonymous and through the church.

The best I can understand is that the unconditional love and acceptance of my friends in AA, and my new found discovery of a God of love and compassion did something crazy to my heart.  Years of self-hatred inspired angst and fear began to crack away and I saw and felt, through the cracks, the glimmer of a light that held love and healing.

I have spent the last 20 years cracking away more and more and more.   I believe... without any doubt at all... that I (and all of us) was/were created out of God's love into love.  We were created to love.  This does not mean at all that I have learned how to live that reality with any consistency... but it does mean that I have committed and re-commited myself to doing the best that I can.

For the most part, when I look at the world I see goodness.  I see all of places where joy lives... where hope and love are abundant.  I see people as fundamentally good.  I do not believe there are bad people... only brokenness.  I do not think anyone really enjoys doing bad things.  I think it is the lack of displayed love, compassion and forgiveness in our world that creates a society where people act out in hate, anger and greed.   I also believe that as long as there is breath, there is always hope for a better more just world.   For me.. breath is imtimately related to the presence of God. - the ultimate source of hope.

While I was in Nicaragua I was my best.. most loving and compassionate... self.  I felt as though all of the remaining hardness of my heart cracked away in one dramatic movement.   I felt everything more intensely... the joy and grief, hope and despair, love and disgust.  I can only guess about why my heart was exposed in such a way.   I have many speculations.   One of which, I believe, has to do with the simplicity of my life there.  I found an amazing freedom in that simplicity.  I never worried about food  (I ate to live rather than lived to eat).  My food choices were limited.  I ate pretty much the same thing every day and while I joked about this on my blog, I found it so freeing.  I didn't really get bored with the food I was eating and always felt full.  There was no standing in front of a fridge... wondering what I could eat to fill the emptiness (hunger or other).   The same was true of my clothing selection, as I had a limited amount of clothing available to me so wore the same clothes over and over again.  I was free from the burden (and gift) of responsibility.  I had nothing to do but learn Spanish and fall in love.

The love I felt for others motivated me to behave in more loving ways.  In Nicaragua, I felt kinder, gentler and more compassionate.  I wanted to be with those I loved and do whatever I could to make their lives a little easier..  that meant, in part, sharing financial resources but, more importantly, it meant sharing of myself.  It meant listening to stories, visiting their homes, helping with homework and offering a hug.  I really felt alive with love and a strong desire to do whatever I could do to demonstrate that love.

As you know, returning wasn't easy.  Part of that was the grief of leaving behind people I care about.   Part of that was facing the guilt I felt (and still feel) about my privilege and all the ways I have abused it, rather than used it to make a difference. 

The other part of my unease at returning to Canada is because I was (and still am) afraid that my heart will start to grow crusty again.   If, in simplicity, I discovered the freedom to love more deeply how on earth do I continue to love with intensity in the midst of a very cluttered, busy and responsilble life in Canada?  How do I maintain my commitment to use my privilege for good in the midst of a culture that constantly demands that I use my privilege to get more privileges?   How do I use my resources wisely when I already feel myself losing sight of what is important?   

Once again... I do not have any answers to my questions... only more questions and a desire to talk to... and learn from... others who have struggled with similar questions.  

I am currently reading the book called "Made for Goodness" by Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu.  I'm going to close this post off with a quote that is sparking something warm and exciting in the area where my heart resides....

"Our experience, our reading of scripture, and the people who have been part of our lives -- however briefly -- have taught us some important truths that we will share with you in this book.  First, we wills ee that we are all designed for goodness, and when we reocgnize that truth it makes all the difference in the world.  Second, we are perfectly loved with a love that requires nothing of us, so we can stop "being good" and live into the goodness that is our essence.  And third, God holds out an invitation to us -- an invitation to turn away from the anxious striving that has turned stress into a status symbol.  It is an invitation to wholeness that leads to flourishing for all of us."

Yes...

an Easter message...

this morning's Easter sunrise message... written and offered by Kaby Eremondi, an amazing grade 11 student and a member of McClure United Church.  Thanks Kaby for giving me permission to share.

"When we think of Easter morning, we all know the usual story of triumph and joy.  No one even thinks of the focus of this account: fear.  In all reality, although it may not seem like the most favourable account, it is likely one of the most accurate.  Even though Jesus told his followers that this would happen, how could they possibly believe it?  After all, nothing like this had ever happened before, and it hasn't happened since.  Can you imagine the fear going through their heads when Jesus' words became truth?  In our lives today, we all feel this fear at one point or another.  Think back to the scariest moments in your life.  Remember your first day of high school?  Your first day at a new job?  The truth is, we all feel fear.  But fear is not the end.  Through their fear, the courage and joy of Easter comes through.  After all, isn't that what Easter is truly about... overcoming obstacles, doing the impossible and facing our fears?  Even being here, at this hour of this Easter morning shows this side of Easter.  We all face our fears, brave the new day and remember what Jesus and Easter are all about."

AMEN

suffering & hope - can't have one without the other

I was thinking about boycotting Easter this year.  I'm really into the solemnness and suffering of Holy Week... I'd kind of like to stay here for a little while.   I'm not ready for a resurrection... for butterflies, white lilies and hallelujahs.  In a odd-not-really-making-sense kind of way I am finding comfort in the discomfort found in the grief, violence and uncertainty of Jesus last days and of his death.

As I've alluded to in past postings... I've never really been one to stay patiently with difficult feelings.  In fact, I have become quite the expert at avoidance.   I've drunk, smoked and eaten them away... I've immersed myself in endless hours of mindless television, online games and obsessively checking my Facebook updates... all as way to avoid those difficult feelings. Over the years I have definitely had times in which I have had a much healthier, life-giving approach to suffering but it feels like those times have been more the exception than the norm.

My first impulses upon returning to Canada were to find some way to make myself feel better.   I just wanted to feel "normal" again.  Everything in my home... my community... my life felt (and still does feel) so different.  All of the grief, frustration, anger that were growing in me while in Nicaragua came to full fruition upon arrival in Canada.  I felt like a fish out of water... floundering.  I am so so so grateful to everyone who has been part of my reintegration.  I do, in fact, feel better.  Not the its-really-not-that-bad-I-just-need-to-get-over-it kind of better but the it-really-is-that-bad-and-aren't-I-grateful-to-have-the-love-understanding-and-support-of-community kind of better.  The many hugs, lunches, walks and coffee dates have made a HUGE difference.  Also, I have attended 3 worship services at McClure this week.  Just seeing that amazing community together... in prayer... has allowed my heart to heal.   I experienced love... and with love I experience hope.  I experience deep deep gratitude.

Don't get me wrong.. none of this means that I am ready to let go of the sadness I feel at the injustices that exist in our world.   I still feel grief, frustration and anger.   But somehow those feelings are easier to sit with when they are held together by love and hope.

Kind of like Holy week!  For me, this year, the purpose of Holy Week is not to "get through" to the good news of resurrection.  Holy Week is just what it is.... full of loss, violence and the presence of human greed, selfishness and fear... all of which are held together by the love of God and the hope that there is something more at work here than I can even begin to understand.

And besides... the resurrection does not represent the end of suffering.   In fact, for those who loved Jesus it was the beginning of a new kind of suffering as they tried to figure out how they were supposed to live into their new reality.  This person who they loved... who had had such a profound impact on their lives... had been tortured and murdered.  One does not just "get over" that.  They were grieving the loss... they were terrified that they might be next.  The reality of Christ's death... and resurrection... was something they needed to live in to.

A friend reminded me this week that we are supposed to be an Easter people... the hope of resurrection is not just for Easter Sunday... it's for every day.   I don't need to somehow quickly make it through my suffering so that I can be sunshine and smiles for Easter morning.  Thank God!

Suffering is part of life.
Hope is part of life.
In order for me to fully engage with life I need to be open to each of these and recognize that they are not mutually exclusive ways of understanding the world.  I am realizing that I can't, in fact, have one fully without engaging with the other.

a little more wisdom God!

The topic for discussion at my AA meeting this morning was "acceptance".

I have been recovering from the effects of alcoholism for 19 years, 3 months and 1 day.   This program has transformed my life.  There are so many aspects of the 12 steps that I have found absolutely invaluable in figuring out how I want to live in the world.  At various times in my life I have clung to the concepts of "letting go", "living one day at a time", "keeping it simple".  However, the concept of "acceptance" is one that I have struggled with.  The serenity prayer asks God for "the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference".

Now there are some things I clearly can NOT change:  (1) the weather; (2) the crazy rate at which time seems to fly by; (3) the thoughts, feelings and actions of another.  While not always easy, I am learning how to accept these clearly unchangable things.

There are other things that I clearly CAN change:  (1) personal choices about how I will live my life.. where I will live and work, who I will be friends with, what I will spend my "extra" money on; (2) how I will respond to the thoughts, feelings and actions of another [will I be angry, frustrated, jealous, competitive, impatient];

But this is where it begins to fall apart.  I'm afraid God has fallen short :-) on granting me the "wisdom to know the difference" in too many areas.  There are certain character traits that I have tried for years and years and years to rid myself of:  perfectionism, sensitivity, independence, stubbornness being some that easily come to mind.  I am coming to realize (and its about bloody time!) that those characteristics that I have, for whatever reason, deemed to be "character defects" are, in fact, the personal attributes that make me who I am.  Some of those characteristics have gotten me through a few really really difficult situations.  Some of those characteristics are what allow me to connect with others... my sensitivity is attached to empathy and understanding.

Many of you who have been following my blog have commented that you appreciate the way in which I have allowed myself to be "vulnerable" in my writings.  You say you have been able to connect with my experience in Nicaragua because I was able to articulate more than simply facts and interesting photos... that I was able to articulate the ramblings of my heart.   It is only because of the sensitivity (which, for me, is just another word for a big ole' wide open heart) that I was able to fully immerse myself in the lives of the people there.   In a very short time I loved them... I felt their love for me... I felt their joy and I felt their suffering.

Sure it would be easier for me if God magically whisked away my "senstivitiy".  FEELING, as I have discovered in a very intense way over the past week, is NOT my idea of a good time!  No no... I am not enjoying it at all BUT when I think of the alternative I feel very grateful.  The alternative to feeling deeply is feeling nothing.  For years I attempted NOT to feel by abusing alcohol... and then food.  The result was not that I didn't feel... it was that I didn't feel happy.  To avoid feeling pain also means to avoid feeling joy.  And so, as difficult as it is, I choose to feel.  I choose to view my sensitivity as a character gift as opposed to a character flaw.

There are many other grey areas of acceptance in which God is denying me the wisdom to discern.  For example... I know I can not/should not accept the injustices that exist in our world.  I know that change needs to happen.  The looming-larger-than-life question that I am currently sitting with is... how?  what can I do?  how can I make a difference?

I learned SO much while in Nicaragua.   I saw so much injustice... right there before my very eyes... day after day.  My big heart aches for the people I met and for their community.   But a big aching heart, as enjoyable as it is, isn't going to make a difference.  So what will?  What is the solution?  Do I need to self-deprive (not eat out, go to the movies, buy new clothes, go on vacations)?  Does boycotting Walmart really make a difference?  Does it make a difference if I march in a protest?  What about writing a letter to the government... is that the answer?  I suspect an answer lies somewhere in the midst of all those possiblities but none of it feels nearly adequate. 

As I watch my tan slowly fade away I feel this growing sense of urgency to figure something out.
I need a plan.
I need to put into action the stirrings of my heart. 

How?

reintegration

Reintegration day 2

I'd like to attempt to answer the question:  "how do I feel?"   And I would... if I knew.  What I can tell you is that I cry.... alot... and easily... over nothing.  They are tears of joy at being home with my family... of gratitude for my life in Saskatoon... of grief at leaving behind a community of people who I very quickly grew to love... of anger at the injustices that exist in our world.   The funny thing about tears is that they look and feel the same regardless of their cause.

I had no idea that my adventure to Nicaragua would impact me in such a deep way.  My purpose for going was to learn Spanish and experience a new culture.  I had prepared myself to some extent for what I would witness in Nicaragua.  I knew that it was a poor country.  I suspected it would be similar to my trip to Guatemala 10 years ago.  I knew there would be some difficult moments.

I didn't know that I would come home feeling like everything I thought I knew about myself and my world would be swept into a funnel cloud of confusion, questioning, and uncertainty.  I didn't know that I would come home feeling as though my heart had been bruised by my experience there.  I didn't know that my eyes would be opened... and that the newly discovered light would be so overwhelmingly bright.  My pupils are struggling to dialate fully... to be able to fully absorb the light and sort through how to move forward.

I know this sounds overly dramatic... but I FEEL overly dramatic.  I hope that those who know me are willing to let me flail around for awhile... that you will be willing to let the drama unfold.  I don't need anyone to try to fix it or take away the difficult feelings... I just need time for my eyes (and the rest of me too) to adjust.  An amazing young woman from McClure sent me a message of Facebook before I left Nicaragua reminding me that I am cared for... that I am not alone... and that everything will be ok.  I know it will.  I know that this will pass and I will once again fnd my place.   I refuse to let go of my naturally optimistic and hope-filled nature.  However, I also refuse to forget the people and experiences that have brought me to where I am now.  The learnings I have had are important.... and have been given to me for a reason.  Once the intensity of emotion has passed, I will begin to strategize about how I can live into the new reality... my pupils will adjust.

And I know that none of this is happening in isolation.  I have so much love and support in my life... and I am very very grateful for that.  I also have faith... faith in a God that allows our eyes to be opened so that we can be changed and, therefore, be part of changing the world.  I also know that God is with me and that gives me great comfort.  God spoke to me through the people and experiences of Nicaragua, God is now speaking to me through my tears and God will continue to speak to me through sources not yet known. 

Thanks be to God... for suffering and for hope. 

and this is it!

my last day in Esteli.

this afternoon I am returning to my favorite place... La Cascada... with my friends.

tonight I say my goodbyes.

tomorrow at 7am I leave for Managua to catch a plane.

Order of business upon my return to Canada:
1.  hug and kiss my family multiple multiple times
2.  sleep in my own bed
3.  wake up to a pot of fresh brewed Nicaraguan coffee
4.  take a long long long hot bath
5.  go to McNally Robinsons for my favorite salad

after this, I am open to phone calls and coffee invitations!

Prayers for minimal tears and safe travel appreciated.

Hasta luego!

me

WARNING...

the woman who will return to Saskatoon in 4 days is not the same woman who left 2 months ago!!

In fact, at the current moment I am a blubbering mess!

The problem with having a big heart is that it so easily sucks in and holds on to the suffering of this big stupid world.   I do not regret for one moment loving as I do.  I think that my capacity for love is my greatest asset.  My love for others has filled me with tremendous joy....it also causes me a tremendous amount of pain.

As I think about leaving Esteli, Nicaragua and the wonderful people I have met here, my heart aches.  I know that there are people here, who I now care about, that are suffering.  I know that some of my new friends will not eat tomorrow... that some of the children in my school will go home to incredibly difficult situations.  While I´ve been here, I have done what I could... what I thought and felt was the right thing to do.  I have bought meals, given money, listened to stories, given hugs.   It has felt good to be here and to give... and for what I offered to be received with such relief and gratitude.  The sadness that I would inevitably feel at leaving Nicaragua is compounded significantly by the sadness of those around me as they too anticipate my leaving.  For a little while I was able to make their lives a little better... to relieve some of the pressure... and now I leave and life for them goes back to normal.  As I read this I see how my words appear to be weighing on the side of arrogance and, believe me, I have spent a sufficient amount of time reflecting on my place of privilege and how I can best use that privilege for good.  I admit that it has felt really really good to be able to offer to help.  Part of that is satisfaction in knowing that I´ve brought a little joy to someone´s life... and part, I´m sure, is tied up in ego.   At any rate, I know I have helped and I feel good about that.  But now I am having a hard time remembering that feel-good-stuff as the realization that I´ve not done anyone any good in the long term... maybe I´ve even made things a little worse.

My thinking is completely intertwined with my feeling... as is completely normal for me... and I´m having a tough time separating the sadness and guilt from logic.  I´m tempted to sell what I have, empty my bank account and give it all away but I know this would only serve to make me feel better in the moment and I would, once again, be faced with the reality that there are too many people in this world who suffer.  Some of that suffering is because of the natural ebb and flow of life... people get sick, people die, etc.   But MOST of that suffering is not natural... it is the direct result of a world full of greed and selfishness.  Many people suffer simply because they have no money.  How is this fair in a world there is so much wealth?  Money does not solve all the problems... but the lack of money creates problem after problem after problem.  When someone doesn´t have what they need to buy food and clothing or pay for a home, they are forced to make decisions that create all kinds of other problems.  Without money life becomes about existence.. not about living.  And the thing is, from what I can tell, people here aren´t after great wealth.  They don´t want to be rich... they just don´t want to be hungry.

So... my excitement about seeing my beloved family is slightly tampered by the deep sadness I feel about leaving the people here (even though I know that staying wouldn´t make any difference).

And now I want to ask a favor of those of you who are reading my blog:
when you see me in Saskatoon... or we talk on the phone... please please please don´t ask me how my vacation was.  While I have certainly enjoyed much of my time here... it has not been a vacation.  This has been a time of intense learning... about the language, about the people and culture in Nicaragua, about myself.  I will be happy happy happy to talk to you about my learnings... about my experiences here but if you ask me "how was your time in Nicaragua" you better be prepared for the response as I continue to sort through my feelings and try to make sense of this suffering world and my (our) responsiblity as those who inhabit it.  Also, for those of you who are also following the path of Christianity... I will be most happy to engage in conversation about our call as those who are trying to live the love of Christ.

and now I will not be surprised... and will understand... if none of you ask me about my time in Nicaragua.

love,
me

5 days...

and time is flying by.

I will miss this place!

I will miss the people... my new friends, my family, the teachers at my school.
I will miss the beautiful beautiful scenery.  I will miss La Cascada... La Casita... the chair in front of my home.
I will miss the slow, laid back nature of life here.

There are, of course, a few things I won't miss:  beans, dust, bony animals, howling dogs at 4am, cockroaches and killer frogs.

However... the awesomeness of Nicaragua and the people here FAR out weigh the other.

This past weekend I had the opportunity to experience yet another majestic Nicaraguan attraction.

The drive...

 

Lunch...

 We arrive at the canyon...

hmmmmm..... I'm sure it's an interesting story...

 After walking across the desert... the rocky terrain... crossing a rushing river on a flimsy log (some of that might be slightly exaggerated).... we crossed the water on the least stable, most likely to tip, boat I have ever seen (that is NOT an exaggeration).   This is the best photo I could take because if I moved even an inch, we would have toppled over. 

 But oh-my-goodness it was worth it...

 our choices were:  climb the rocks to our final destination or swim! I swam...

They didn't....

 It took some convincing...

 but Alberto took the plunge... (choosing to jump off a 10 foot cliff... must be a guy thing!)

 The view from above...

 The view from below...

 The wildlife...

 

not the killer bathroom frog... but rather adorable! 

 and the most adorable of all....

It was a truly a wonderful day!  I feel so grateful for this opportunity.  I will never ever forget Esteli - my heart has been touched and I feel like a better person for having been here!   Sunday will, indeed, be bittersweet! 

and more photos still...

Turns out baseball is my new obsession (I always like to have at least one).  The games here are super exciting.  The crowd is crazy crazy... lots and lots and lots of noise... whistling, music, sound effects.  This game was particularly exciting because it was the first time they had used the new outdoor field lights.  Notice the fireworks in the background?  They fired non stop for most of the first part of the first inning.  How distracting was that for the players?  I heard there were 2000 people at the game.  Esteli won!!

 

 

 half of the crowd... I was sitting in the middle behind home plate

 and I was sitting next to this man... at one point I looked at him and noticed that his hat said "Meadow Lake"on the side.  I asked if I could see it and, sure enough, it was from a company in Meadow Lake, Saskatchewan.  He bought it second hand here (many many stores here are second hand stores... clothing coming from the US and Canada).  I explained that it came from my home province in Canada and asked permission to take his photo. 

This woman lives next door to my family.  She makes tortillas for the entire neighborhood.  I often hear her beginning to pound the dough at 3am.  She stands.. on hard floor... over a hot stove... pounding, pounding, pounding all day long.  Her tortillas are delicious!  I wish you could see her face better.  I would estimate she is about 70 years old.

 

 

more things I see while sitting in my chair in front of my home...

Alberto...

As I mentioned in a previous post, I came up with the idea to hire Alberto to make a closet for my family in Nicaragua... since he needed work and they needed a closet and I had a little extra money.  With the help of my parents, Jordan's parents and a few other generous friends... the closet is finished.  Below are photos of the building process and the completed project.  My family LOVE it!

 This is one of the young guys who work for Alberto... unfortunately I can't remember his name.

The closet begins...

Alberto's uncle and friend... also work for him

The closet day 2

The closet day 3... finishing touches.

 I even got to help...

Ta da....