reintegration

Reintegration day 2

I'd like to attempt to answer the question:  "how do I feel?"   And I would... if I knew.  What I can tell you is that I cry.... alot... and easily... over nothing.  They are tears of joy at being home with my family... of gratitude for my life in Saskatoon... of grief at leaving behind a community of people who I very quickly grew to love... of anger at the injustices that exist in our world.   The funny thing about tears is that they look and feel the same regardless of their cause.

I had no idea that my adventure to Nicaragua would impact me in such a deep way.  My purpose for going was to learn Spanish and experience a new culture.  I had prepared myself to some extent for what I would witness in Nicaragua.  I knew that it was a poor country.  I suspected it would be similar to my trip to Guatemala 10 years ago.  I knew there would be some difficult moments.

I didn't know that I would come home feeling like everything I thought I knew about myself and my world would be swept into a funnel cloud of confusion, questioning, and uncertainty.  I didn't know that I would come home feeling as though my heart had been bruised by my experience there.  I didn't know that my eyes would be opened... and that the newly discovered light would be so overwhelmingly bright.  My pupils are struggling to dialate fully... to be able to fully absorb the light and sort through how to move forward.

I know this sounds overly dramatic... but I FEEL overly dramatic.  I hope that those who know me are willing to let me flail around for awhile... that you will be willing to let the drama unfold.  I don't need anyone to try to fix it or take away the difficult feelings... I just need time for my eyes (and the rest of me too) to adjust.  An amazing young woman from McClure sent me a message of Facebook before I left Nicaragua reminding me that I am cared for... that I am not alone... and that everything will be ok.  I know it will.  I know that this will pass and I will once again fnd my place.   I refuse to let go of my naturally optimistic and hope-filled nature.  However, I also refuse to forget the people and experiences that have brought me to where I am now.  The learnings I have had are important.... and have been given to me for a reason.  Once the intensity of emotion has passed, I will begin to strategize about how I can live into the new reality... my pupils will adjust.

And I know that none of this is happening in isolation.  I have so much love and support in my life... and I am very very grateful for that.  I also have faith... faith in a God that allows our eyes to be opened so that we can be changed and, therefore, be part of changing the world.  I also know that God is with me and that gives me great comfort.  God spoke to me through the people and experiences of Nicaragua, God is now speaking to me through my tears and God will continue to speak to me through sources not yet known. 

Thanks be to God... for suffering and for hope.