the last reflection...

This is my final sabbatical reflection and one that I shared during the sermon time at McClure United Church on Sunday.

I have so much to tell you... it's really hard to know where to begin. 

But I'll begin saying a great big thank you. 

The  gift of sabbatical time has been such an incredible blessing to me. 

Thank you for making that possible. 

Thank you for your prayers...

thank you for your emails of love and support...

I can't tell you how much it meant to me to know that during my time away people here were thinking of me and holding me in loving prayers. 

And, of course, I am also extremely grateful to Ron and Debra for carrying an extra load in my absence and to all those who filled in and covered for me...  Zac and Shannon for caring for the youth.. and Meghan and the Faith Development Committee for organizing Rainbow Village.

I also want to say that I missed you... so very very much I missed you.  And I am grateful to be back. 

I really want to share with you today some of what I learned during my time away. I want to tell you about how the spirit of God has been working in my life…

I think an important reflection to share… especially during this season of Pentecost.

Many of you, I know, have already read some of the personal reflections I offered on my blog over the past 5 months..  but if you haven’t… and are interested... I’ve made copies of my blog posts and you can find them at the back of the church.

So I guess a good place to begin is at the beginning.  My sabbatical began on December 25... Christmas Eve being my last official day of work. 

Most of January was spent slumming around in my pj's, drinking tea, memorizing spanish words and preparing for my trip, packing, unpacking and repacking my backpack... and taking care of all of the little details I needed to take care of. 

I’d been planning this trip to Nicaragua for over a year.  At first it felt as though the day would never arrive... and then suddenly I found myself on an airplane bound first for Houston Texas and then on to Nicaragua... to the capital city of Managua and finally to the city that would become my home for 2 months... the city of Esteli. 

Esteli is the third largest city in Nicaragua... about 120,000 people live there. 

Nicaragua itself has a very interesting and somewhat tragic history... part of which includes a devasting earthquake that happened in 1972 wiping out 90% of Managua (a city of 400,000 people at the time). 

Another huge part of this country's history involves the Sandanista revolution which also took place in the late 70s. 

It was a revolution that effectively overthrew the existing dictatorship, claiming power and forming the first democratically elected government. 

Prior to these two events, Nicaragua was the wealthiest and most developed country in central america...

     but they have never been able to recover from the mass destruction caused by both the earthquake and the revolution. 

Esteli itself was heavily air-bombed in the late 70s... destroying most of the city and many of its people.

So currently Nicaragua is the second poorest country in Latin America.  Statistics say that about 47% of the people living in Nicaragua live on less than $1 per day.

And this is where my story begins...

Everything about my first few days in Esteli felt completely surreal.  My home was located in Los Coquitos... one of the poorer areas of the city.  My hosts... Lucilla and Nievez, although not wealthy in terms of money were rich with hospitality and warmth and even though they spoke no English and I spoke very little Spanish, they managed to make me feel very comfortable and safe. 

Now… just to paint you a little picture of what I experienced...

I want you to imagine streets.. narrow streets less than half the size of what we have here... filled with people. walking, biking, riding horses... filled with animals... cows, chickens, roosters, dogs, horses all sharing the road with taxis, buses and other various motor vehicles. 

And then imagine the houses... many of which were wood shacks with dirt floors and tin roofs... others, like the one i stayed in, were concrete slabs with concrete floors and tin roofs.  

Much of the concrete brightly painted with every imaginable color... pinks, greens, orange, purple and sometimes all on the same building. 

Also imagine the beautiful forested mountains surrounding Esteli. 

And imagine the ginormous mountains... 2 of them.. that I had to climb every day to and from my spanish school.  

And finally.. imagine the people. 

Beautiful people... friendly, joyful, proud... and very very poor. 

Because I lived and spent most of my time in the Los Coquitos... I got to know many of these people on a very personal level. 

I’d sit every evening in front of my house pretending to study but actually watching the comings and goings of the neighbourhood and many people would stop by to say hello. 

Some of them I spoke to only once or twice... others became dear friends that I saw and spent time with every day. 

And this is where my story really begins... with the people of Esteli because these people invited me into their homes and lives... shared with me their joys and struggles...

and because of them I have been forever changed. 

I'm not sure why... but during my time in Nicaragua, my heart was opened up in a way it has never been before. 

Now I've always been pretty much a heart person... but here.. I don't know... something different happened.  

And I think what happened was that removed from the business and chaos, that can often be my life here in Saskatoon I was able to be so much more connected and present, to myself and to the people around me. 

In the absence of daily responsibilities and the stress that can sometimes accompany them, an opening was created for God to enter in...

I was, in a sense, born again.. spiritually awakened...

as Jesus said to Nicodemus... I was born from above.  

When I was in Nicaragua I became my best, most compassionate, loving, generous self. 

I entered fully into the lives of the people I met there. 

I loved them...

I shared their joys and I shared their struggles and in the midst of that I felt a growing sense of discomfort bubbling up inside of me...

discomfort with my own privilege...

a privilege that has not been earned or granted based on merit but has been inherited because of pure luck... because I happen to have been born to middle class parents, with white skin, in Canada.  

I also felt a growing discomfort  with our culture...

a culture that allows people to go without... without food, medical care, adequate housing, water, education. 

I felt ashamed of our world...

a world where there is so much more than enough to go around..

where so many of us have more than enough of everything, while others in the world don't have nearly enough of anything. 

I began to think about all of the waste I've participated in... wasted money, wasted food, wasted time...

None of it felt very good and yet, at the same time, it stirred up in me a fierce compassion and desire to help in whatever way I could.

While I was in Nicaragua I did what I could to help those I could.  

I shared meals, money and other resources but more importantly... for me and for them... I shared myself... my time.. my friendship... I shared hugs and stories. 

I shared my love.  

I shared everything I could but yet, when the time came, I left there feeling, as though everything I had to share would never be enough.  I left there with a tremendous amount of guilt that I was returning to my privileged life...

it was hard not to feel as though I was turning my back on them. 

I left Esteli with a heart that had tripled in size... full of love and compassion while, at the same time...  teetering on despair for the state of humanity. 

But.. being the eternal optimist... the one who tends to see the glass always as half full... this isn't the end of my story... despair does not have the final word.

I went to Nicargua to learn Spanish. 

It's about the only thing I didn't learn. 

Instead I learned alot about me and about God... I learned that if you're going to create space for God's spirit to enter in you better be good and ready to go through the labor pains of rebirth.  And.. it wasn't really even that i created the space for God... it's more like God saw that I was vulnerable and open and seized the opportunity to move right on in.  

And once the spirit of God took over my Nicaraguan agenda.. it was game over. 

God opened my heart to love and through that love I experienced deep compassion...

and through that compassion I experienced the grief of leaving my friends behind...

sorrow as I realized that once I left their lives would return to normal... their struggles would continue, as always,...  this is when the despair began to set in...

but as I said... this story… it doesn’t end in despair...

This story ends in a renewed and passionate commitment to living out the love and compassion that is such a central part of who I am... of who, I believe, we all are.

In the 2 months since I've returned from Nicaragua I've had lots of time to reflect... to pray...  to live into the rebirth that I experienced there. 

I've suffered the growing pains of reintegration...  of returning to what to me feels like vast wealth..  of returning to a culture of consumerism and intense competition. 

I've come to terms with my privilege and rather than feeling guilty about it... am finding the determination I need to use my privilege for good.. rather than to gain more privilege. 

I still feel ashamed that I live in a world of people who don't know how... or are too afraid... to share abundantly.  

A world that has so much wealth... so many resources... but where people are forced to live in terrible poverty. 

In my reflecting over the past two months I’ve spent much time reading various books that I thought might help me in my search for hope to balance the despair.  Once of those books is by Archbishop Desmond Tutu and it's called “Made for Goodness”.  I read one paragraph in the very beginning part of the book that helped me to reorient myself... that began to reinstore my hope and give all of my heartfelt learnings a new direction... and this is what it says...

“Our experience, our reading of scripture, and the people who have been part of our lives -- however briefly -- have taught us some important truths that we will share with you in this book.  First, we will see that we are all designed for goodness, and when we recognize that truth it makes all the difference in the world.  Second, we are perfectly loved with a love that requires nothing of us, so we can stop "being good" and live into the goodness that is our essence.  And third, God holds out an invitation to us -- an invitation to turn away from the anxious striving that has turned stress into a status symbol.  It is an invitation to wholeness that leads to flourishing for all of us."

These words hold out so much hope... and they reminded me of one of my most basic beliefs about humanity... one that sort of got lost there for a little while. 

My basic belief about humanity.. about all of us is this...  we are good. 

We were created in God's image...

and as the creation story tells us in Genesis... after God created man and woman and looked upon them and all of creation.. God say.. “it is very good”.  

No matter what we have done... or not done... that goodness is always a part of us. 

It is a part of me... and it is a part of each one of you.  

God's goodness is the essence of every single human being. 

God's goodness is the essence of all of creation.   Now, if this is true... and I really really believe it is... then there is always hope.  

The evil that exists in our world.. the evils of violence, of racism, of neglect... the evils that create poverty... all of these go against that fundamental goodness. 

And because I believe in the truth of God's kingdom... a kingdom where goodness reigns... I know without any doubt at all that just like my despair... these things will not have the final word.  Evil is not the end of our story.

I believe that the goodness of God's kingdom is not something of the far off future but it is here… it is now. 

For every evil deed that is being committed right now there are many more good deeds taking place...

people all across the world are working for change. 

People are responding every minute to the call of goodness that’s within them.  

There are thousands of organizations working to make this world a better place. 

There are millions of people involved in these organizations or working on their own to share their goodness with the world.

To give in to despair is to deny the goodness. 

I can't deny the goodness... I've experienced it – both in receiving the goodness offered by others and by being compelled to share the goodness that is in me with those around me. 

The rebirth I experienced in Nicargua was an awakening of that goodness... all I wanted to do was to help... to reach out... to just love.

Returning to Canada hasn’t changed that.  

And while I feel compelled to share my experience of Nicaragua and the struggles of the people I met there.. I am also compelled to be a voice that reminds people of their goodness..

to convince others to let their goodness out... let.. it.. out…let it be awakened in you...

or let the goodness that is already shining through be strengthened.

I think that what’s wrong with our world...

what drives people to live in ways that are selfish, arrogant, impatient, and even violent....

is that we have forgotten that we are good. 

We have forgotten that God created us out of the deep and spacious goodness of love.... into love... to be love.  

Our love is God's only hope for the world. 

God needs us to love.  

The world needs us to love. 

And we need to be  that love... not to just think it... not to just quietly share it with those we’re closest to... but to be that love in big, bold and daring ways. 

Imagine what our world would look like if everyone lived to love.... what a wonderful world that would be.  

And so... I've returned to you... to my ministry here with this new fire burning inside of me. 

I’m so ready to share God's love. 

And what does sharing God’s love look like? 

For me, sharing God's love looks like compassion, empathy, caring... it looks like sharing laughter and sharing tears... it looks like sharing what I have so that others might have what they need. It also looks like anger at injustice... it looks standing with those who need a friend, and challenging systems that keep people on the margins. 

It looks like challenging a culture that works so hard to convince us that we are not good enough. 

God's love is not all sunshine and roses... and living God's love is certainly not an easy task... but it is absolutely essential... not only to the health and wholeness of our world... but also to our own sense of well being.

And the first step to living that love is remembering who we are. 

We are goodness. 

No matter how angry, or bitter, or distraught you might feel... no matter what life has handed to you... no matter how you have responded to what life has handed you... you are good.  

You were created in the image of God and nothing you can do... or nothing that has been done to you... can ever ever change that. 

The best thing you can do for yourself.. the best thing you can do for the world.. is to accept this simple truth. 

You are goodness.

I'm telling you to do whatever you need to do to see your goodness. 

If there’re things you have done that you feel guilty about... that are getting in the way of your ability to see yourself as God sees you... then do what you have to do to let it go....  talk to someone.. talk to God. 

If life has left you angry, or bitter, or full of despair... talk about it... pray about it.  

It doesn't matter how you do it, I just urge you to do something.  

The greatest sin we can commit, I think, is not living up to our full potential and as long as we refuse to accept the goodness that’s within us… and also within others… we are refusing to be who God calls us to be.

As I said earlier... I think that one of the reasons I found myself spiritually awakened in Nicaragua was because I slowed down long enough to be more present to myself... to those around me and, also to God. 

I think that this is absolutely key to everything I'm talking about here. 

In order for our hearts to be opened.. for us to notice the great need in the world and feel adequately equipped to respond with love, compassion and challenge when it’s needed..

in order for us to be able to recognize God's presence in our lives and the goodness that that presence brings... we must slow down. 

We must make time for silence... for reflection.  We must create an openness for God's spirit to enter in. 

God is here... right here... waiting... hoping... for the opportunity to create new life in all of us.   God loves us that much!  Thanks be to God!

my eutopia...

One of my daughter's final projects for school this year is to dream up and articulate a "eutopian society".  Her questions and our discussions have had me pondering this notion of eutopia.  Not an easy concept.

Today I was reading a book by none other than Bishop Desmond Tutu.  The chapter I was reading is called "God's Dream".  This is my eutopia...

"I have a dream," God says.  "Please help me to realize it.  It is a dream of a world whose ugliness and squalor and poverty, its war and hostility, its greed and harsh competitiveness, its alienation and disharmony are changed into their glorious counterparts, when there will be more laughter, joy, and peace, where there will be justice and goodness and compassion and love and caring and sharing.  I have a dream that swords will be beaten into plowshares and spears into pruning hooks, that my children will know that they are members of one family, the human family, my family."

Bishop Tutu goes on to say:
'In God's family, there are no outsiders.  All are insiders.  Black and white, rich and poor, gay and straight, Jew and Arab, Palestinian and Israeli, Roman Catholic and Protestant, Serb and Albanian, Hutu and tutsi, Muslim and Christian, Buddhist and Hindu, Pakistani and Indian - all belong.'

And also...
'The wonderful thing about family is that you are not expected to agree about everything under the sun.  Show me a man and wife who have never disagreed and I will show you some accomplished fibbers. But those disagreements, pray God, do not usually destroy the unity of the family.  And so it should be with God's family.  We are not expected at all times to be unanimous or to have a consensus on every conceivable subject.  What is needed is to respect one another's points of view and not to impute unworthy motives to one another or to seek to impugn the integrity of the other.  Our maturity will be judged by how well we are able to agree to disagree and yet continue to love one another, to care for one another and cherish one another and seek the greater good of the other.
Another characteristic of the family is its willingness to share.  The early church went so far as to have its members selling their property, each refusing to claim as his exclusive properyt what had belonged to him before. They had all things in common.  When the one part suffered, the whole suffered with it, and when one part prospered, then the whole prospered wtih it.  There was a mutuality in the relationship in which all gave and all received.  In a happy family you don't receive in proportion to your input.  You receive in relation to your needs, the ones who make the least material contribution often being the ones who are most cared for - the young and the aged.'

And finally...
'Members of a family have a gentle and caring compassion for one another.  How I pray that we will open our eyes and see the real, true identity of each one of us, that this one is not a white or black, Hindu, Buddhist, Christian, Muslim or Jew but a brother, a sister, and treat each other as such.  If we could but recognize our common humanity, that we do belong together, that our destinies are bound up in one another's, that we can be free only together, that we can survive only together, that we can be human only together, then a glorious world would come into being where all of us lived harmoniously together as members of one family, the human family, God's family.  In truth a transfiguration would take place.  God's dream would become a reality.'

I believe in God's dream.  I believe it is possible.  I believe it is beginning to happen already.

my last week...

In less than an hour I will be leaving home once again.  For a shorter time.. and slightly less distance... but to one of my favorite places in the entire world.  I am leaving for a time of retreat, reflection, prayer and silence at the Qu'Appelle House of Prayer in Fort Qu'Appelle.  If you have never been, I encourage you to check it out.  They have a website with photos and information.  I have been a few times now and each time have come away feeling more centered and grounded in the love of God... my source of strength, hope and joy.

It is hard to believe that I am entering into my last week of sabbatical time.  What a journey it has been!  I feel so so so so so completely grateful to McClure United Church for granting me this unbelievable gift of time.  Also for giving me the freedom to let that time just be and unfold.  I am grateful particularly to the Ministry and Personnel Committee for encouraging me to not over-structure my time away.  This has given me the space I needed to let God's spirit move in curious and unexpected ways.  I have learned some of what I intended to learn and a whole lot that I never expected.  I am heading into my last week feeling rested, refreshed and spiritually awakened.  I am also heading into my last week feeling excited about my return to McClure and my ministry there.  I love love love the people of McClure.  The other night I ran into Emma... a member of McClure in the 7th grade and her mom.  I saw in Emma's face excitement and love when our eyes met.  She moved quickly to where I was standing (in Mystic Java) and gave me a wonderful hug.  I felt in that moment the intensity of my love for the people of McClure... for the children, youth and the older folks who have been such an inspiration to me for the past 6 years.  I am ready and excited to be back among them... living together the love of Christ in the world.  I am so incredibly blessed. 

I am also incredibly grateful to my beautiful colleagues Ron and Debra.  They have carried a heavier load because of my absence and yet I have felt only support and encouragement from them.  I look forward to being with them again and continuing to grow our ministry together.

A couple of weeks ago I invited those who are able to join me on Sunday, May 27th at 7:30pm at my house to share in a time of conversation and reflection with me.  It's going to be a pretty informal gathering and the purpose is for me to be able to share some of my experiences and learnings and to solicit the questions, challenges, experiences, and stories of others.  If you are in the area and able to join me... please do.  This invitation is open to anyone who might want to stop by.   My address is 602 McKercher Drive.  I really hope to see you there... there is already a wonderful group who are planning to come but the more, the merrier.

And, while I will be in silence for the next week... I do hope to post about my experience there.  I have discovered that I really enjoy writing.  I'm hoping to continue with my blogging after sabbatical.  I suppose I'll need to change the name to "Laura post-sabbatical".

Thanks for reading... God bless!

I've taken up the challenge...

A while ago I posted the following update on Facebook...
"I'm taking the 21 day challenge to a complaint free world (no complaining, gossiping or unhealthy criticizing). Put on my complaint-free bracelet this morning..."

A few of my friends have asked me how it's going.

It is going better than I expected it to go.
It's going differently than I expected it to go.

The idea of the "complaint free challenge" comes from a book I read.  The idea is that whenever someone wearing the "complaint free" bracelet finds themself complaining, criticizing or gossiping, they are to switch their bracelet onto the other wrist.  The goal, I believe, is to raise awareness of how much negative energy we are putting into the world.   I don't know about you... but I know that for me, when I am habitually complaining, criticizing or gossiping (and it's funny how often those three go hand in hand), I find myself feeling less joyful... less loving... less compassionate.

My journey is a journey towards greater, more intentional love and so this felt like a good step along that path.  And it was working.. I did notice myself pausing several times in the day to check in with myself before speaking.   The questions I ask myself are simple (and, big shock, inspired from something I read by Desmond Tutu).. "is it true"... "is it kind"... "is it necessary".  Often I refrain from saying something I might otherwise have blurted out... this is good.

HOWEVER.. as with most things in my life I found myself taking it to extreme... getting frustrated with myself whenever I needed to switch the bracelet and also frustrated with the number of times I was compelled to complain but had to bite my tongue.  The voice of harsh judgment was making its way into my awareness... crushing out the voice of compassion and love (the very reason I was doing this in the first place).


I realized that the very act of changing my bracelet had become a form of self-criticism.  I needed to change my bracelet because I changed my bracelet.  I could see how this was going to be far too time consuming (and far less helpful) than I had anticipated.

I realized this morning that the challenge I've taken is incomplete.  While I continue to think it is a good thing to become aware and challenge the negativity I put into the world, I think it is even more important to notice, become more aware of and give thanks for all of the times I witness and participate in the goodness - in the love, compassion, joy - that is being put into the world every single day... I would even say every moment of every single day.

The bracelet I constructed myself for this challenge has those famous letters "WWJD" on them.  I don't think Jesus gossiped, complained or unnecessarily criticized those around him.   I do think he displayed radical acts of love, kindness, generosity, selflessness, compassion..

So I'm taking up a new challenge.  It will be my "WWJD" challenge.   I will continue to notice when I feel compelled to complain, gossip or criticize.  But I will also work to become more aware at all of the ways that I witness and participate in goodness.  The reality is that I, and most everyone I know, commit far more acts of goodness than we do of ungoodness (it's my blog and this is a word!).  I believe that the ungoodness will naturally be pushed to the background of our lives when we are better able to be aware of the amazing power of God's love at work through us.

Go. Be. Love. The world needs you.  The world needs all of us.  

an awakened heart...

Yesterday a friend asked me "how have you been changed by your experience [in Nicaragua]"...

Part of the answer to that question is easy.   I talked about my greater awareness of global issues.   I have been changed by the concrete experience of witnessing and living amongst people who live in poverty.  The reality of great poverty in our wealthy world has become much more tangible to me.  It is no longer only a concept... one that I have always had compassion for - albeit a detached kind of compassion.  
 
I have been changed in that I now feel a deep attachment and connection to the friends I made in Nicaragua who I know are living the struggle every single day.  Just this morning I received a phone call from my friend, Alberto, who is without work.  He has no money... he has no food... his truck has broken down.  Alberto called in despair, and not just for himself and his family but also for his community.  He says that he doesn't have work because nobody has money... it's not just he who is suffering.   He is in the awful position of needing to make a decision to either leave his community and his family in search of opportunity in the United States or to stay and try to make the best of it.  I sat and listened... tried to offer words of encouragement and hope... but mostly just feeling utterly and completely helpless.   He called to ask me to pray for him and his family. 

I do pray... for Alberto and his family, for all of my friends in Esteli and for people around my city and throughout the world who face similar seemingly impossible situations every single day.  Although I do believe in the power of prayer, it doesn't feel like enough.   Prayer does not fill an empty stomach.   Once again I am faced with the question... "what CAN I do?"   My experience in Nicaragua changed me in that this question feels more immediate for me now... more urgent.   When I ask this question now, there are faces attached... poverty has become personal for me in a way it hasn't really been before.  It is impossible for me to ignore the reality of such a huge percentage of our world's population.  When I think poverty now I first see the faces of my friends in Esteli... Alberto, Esmilda, Karla, Joakin... but those images are immediately followed by the images of countless other faces, real and imagined.  Faces of those I see in my own city, faces of those I've seen on television news reports or in magazines.  In my heart, there is a much greater universal connection now than existed before.  For this I feel so grateful... and a little overwhelmed.

The other ways I have been changed are a little more difficult for me to understand and, therefore, articulate.  For some reason, when I was in Nicaragua, I allowed my heart to be opened wide.  Allowed isn't actually the right word... because it wasn't a conscious choice.  If I was in a position of making that choice, I probably would have been defensive... possibly even fled.   It just kinda happened.  One day I woke up and realized I had fallen in love... with my friends, with the community, with the culture... and it felt so AMAZING.  And then it hurt.  Falling in love meant experiencing their lives, the good and the not-so-good,  in a more intense... a more present... way.  

Loving friendships have never been very easy for me.  It's hard for me to trust.  It's hard for me to connect.  I have always kept friends at an arms length... partly as a form of self-protection and partly because I have never really thought of myself as very likeable.   Somewhere in the back of my mind I have always believed that if people REALLY got to know me they wouldn't like what they see.

Anyway...  whatever the reason for the whole opening of the heart thing... I'm deciding that I kind of like it this way.  I'm kind of enjoying(?) feeling the love and grief and joy and pain.  Along with the awakening of feeling has come an awakening of presence.  As my eyes have become more open to the evil that exists in our world, I am also becoming more open to the beauty and goodness.  It's true... there are probably things about me that aren't so likeable BUT they are not the whole of me. FIRST there is goodness and love and beauty.   Goodness existed before the trials and tribulations of life caused me to create some defenses that look like defensiveness, moodiness, and control-freak type behaviours.  

I am good.  Created out of goodness, into a world that is good.   My journey is to live that goodness to the best of my ability.

And.. of course... reason would have it that if I am good... created out of goodness... so is everyone else.  

My journey is not only to live the goodness that is in me, it is also to search for, call to, encourage and love the goodness that is in you... and you... and you...  

created to love... made for goodness

Nelson Mandela said:  “I am fundamentally an optimist. Whether that comes from nature or nurture, I cannot say. Part of being optimistic is keeping one's head pointed toward the sun, one's feet moving forward. There were many dark moments when my faith in humanity was sorely tested, but I would not and could not give myself up to despair. That way lays defeat and death.”

I haven't always been an optimist.  My understanding of the world as more-than-half-full began to develop in my early 20s when my life took an unexpected turn.   Interestingly... and I've never really been able to figure this out... my joy at the world and love of life began to grow at the same time that I was dealing with the death of my beloved dad (who, at the age of 48, went golfing one morning.. had a massive heart attach... and never returned home).  It was also at that time that I began to deal with my addictions and sought a community of support both through Alcoholics Anonymous and through the church.

The best I can understand is that the unconditional love and acceptance of my friends in AA, and my new found discovery of a God of love and compassion did something crazy to my heart.  Years of self-hatred inspired angst and fear began to crack away and I saw and felt, through the cracks, the glimmer of a light that held love and healing.

I have spent the last 20 years cracking away more and more and more.   I believe... without any doubt at all... that I (and all of us) was/were created out of God's love into love.  We were created to love.  This does not mean at all that I have learned how to live that reality with any consistency... but it does mean that I have committed and re-commited myself to doing the best that I can.

For the most part, when I look at the world I see goodness.  I see all of places where joy lives... where hope and love are abundant.  I see people as fundamentally good.  I do not believe there are bad people... only brokenness.  I do not think anyone really enjoys doing bad things.  I think it is the lack of displayed love, compassion and forgiveness in our world that creates a society where people act out in hate, anger and greed.   I also believe that as long as there is breath, there is always hope for a better more just world.   For me.. breath is imtimately related to the presence of God. - the ultimate source of hope.

While I was in Nicaragua I was my best.. most loving and compassionate... self.  I felt as though all of the remaining hardness of my heart cracked away in one dramatic movement.   I felt everything more intensely... the joy and grief, hope and despair, love and disgust.  I can only guess about why my heart was exposed in such a way.   I have many speculations.   One of which, I believe, has to do with the simplicity of my life there.  I found an amazing freedom in that simplicity.  I never worried about food  (I ate to live rather than lived to eat).  My food choices were limited.  I ate pretty much the same thing every day and while I joked about this on my blog, I found it so freeing.  I didn't really get bored with the food I was eating and always felt full.  There was no standing in front of a fridge... wondering what I could eat to fill the emptiness (hunger or other).   The same was true of my clothing selection, as I had a limited amount of clothing available to me so wore the same clothes over and over again.  I was free from the burden (and gift) of responsibility.  I had nothing to do but learn Spanish and fall in love.

The love I felt for others motivated me to behave in more loving ways.  In Nicaragua, I felt kinder, gentler and more compassionate.  I wanted to be with those I loved and do whatever I could to make their lives a little easier..  that meant, in part, sharing financial resources but, more importantly, it meant sharing of myself.  It meant listening to stories, visiting their homes, helping with homework and offering a hug.  I really felt alive with love and a strong desire to do whatever I could do to demonstrate that love.

As you know, returning wasn't easy.  Part of that was the grief of leaving behind people I care about.   Part of that was facing the guilt I felt (and still feel) about my privilege and all the ways I have abused it, rather than used it to make a difference. 

The other part of my unease at returning to Canada is because I was (and still am) afraid that my heart will start to grow crusty again.   If, in simplicity, I discovered the freedom to love more deeply how on earth do I continue to love with intensity in the midst of a very cluttered, busy and responsilble life in Canada?  How do I maintain my commitment to use my privilege for good in the midst of a culture that constantly demands that I use my privilege to get more privileges?   How do I use my resources wisely when I already feel myself losing sight of what is important?   

Once again... I do not have any answers to my questions... only more questions and a desire to talk to... and learn from... others who have struggled with similar questions.  

I am currently reading the book called "Made for Goodness" by Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu.  I'm going to close this post off with a quote that is sparking something warm and exciting in the area where my heart resides....

"Our experience, our reading of scripture, and the people who have been part of our lives -- however briefly -- have taught us some important truths that we will share with you in this book.  First, we wills ee that we are all designed for goodness, and when we reocgnize that truth it makes all the difference in the world.  Second, we are perfectly loved with a love that requires nothing of us, so we can stop "being good" and live into the goodness that is our essence.  And third, God holds out an invitation to us -- an invitation to turn away from the anxious striving that has turned stress into a status symbol.  It is an invitation to wholeness that leads to flourishing for all of us."

Yes...

an Easter message...

this morning's Easter sunrise message... written and offered by Kaby Eremondi, an amazing grade 11 student and a member of McClure United Church.  Thanks Kaby for giving me permission to share.

"When we think of Easter morning, we all know the usual story of triumph and joy.  No one even thinks of the focus of this account: fear.  In all reality, although it may not seem like the most favourable account, it is likely one of the most accurate.  Even though Jesus told his followers that this would happen, how could they possibly believe it?  After all, nothing like this had ever happened before, and it hasn't happened since.  Can you imagine the fear going through their heads when Jesus' words became truth?  In our lives today, we all feel this fear at one point or another.  Think back to the scariest moments in your life.  Remember your first day of high school?  Your first day at a new job?  The truth is, we all feel fear.  But fear is not the end.  Through their fear, the courage and joy of Easter comes through.  After all, isn't that what Easter is truly about... overcoming obstacles, doing the impossible and facing our fears?  Even being here, at this hour of this Easter morning shows this side of Easter.  We all face our fears, brave the new day and remember what Jesus and Easter are all about."

AMEN