a little more wisdom God!

The topic for discussion at my AA meeting this morning was "acceptance".

I have been recovering from the effects of alcoholism for 19 years, 3 months and 1 day.   This program has transformed my life.  There are so many aspects of the 12 steps that I have found absolutely invaluable in figuring out how I want to live in the world.  At various times in my life I have clung to the concepts of "letting go", "living one day at a time", "keeping it simple".  However, the concept of "acceptance" is one that I have struggled with.  The serenity prayer asks God for "the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference".

Now there are some things I clearly can NOT change:  (1) the weather; (2) the crazy rate at which time seems to fly by; (3) the thoughts, feelings and actions of another.  While not always easy, I am learning how to accept these clearly unchangable things.

There are other things that I clearly CAN change:  (1) personal choices about how I will live my life.. where I will live and work, who I will be friends with, what I will spend my "extra" money on; (2) how I will respond to the thoughts, feelings and actions of another [will I be angry, frustrated, jealous, competitive, impatient];

But this is where it begins to fall apart.  I'm afraid God has fallen short :-) on granting me the "wisdom to know the difference" in too many areas.  There are certain character traits that I have tried for years and years and years to rid myself of:  perfectionism, sensitivity, independence, stubbornness being some that easily come to mind.  I am coming to realize (and its about bloody time!) that those characteristics that I have, for whatever reason, deemed to be "character defects" are, in fact, the personal attributes that make me who I am.  Some of those characteristics have gotten me through a few really really difficult situations.  Some of those characteristics are what allow me to connect with others... my sensitivity is attached to empathy and understanding.

Many of you who have been following my blog have commented that you appreciate the way in which I have allowed myself to be "vulnerable" in my writings.  You say you have been able to connect with my experience in Nicaragua because I was able to articulate more than simply facts and interesting photos... that I was able to articulate the ramblings of my heart.   It is only because of the sensitivity (which, for me, is just another word for a big ole' wide open heart) that I was able to fully immerse myself in the lives of the people there.   In a very short time I loved them... I felt their love for me... I felt their joy and I felt their suffering.

Sure it would be easier for me if God magically whisked away my "senstivitiy".  FEELING, as I have discovered in a very intense way over the past week, is NOT my idea of a good time!  No no... I am not enjoying it at all BUT when I think of the alternative I feel very grateful.  The alternative to feeling deeply is feeling nothing.  For years I attempted NOT to feel by abusing alcohol... and then food.  The result was not that I didn't feel... it was that I didn't feel happy.  To avoid feeling pain also means to avoid feeling joy.  And so, as difficult as it is, I choose to feel.  I choose to view my sensitivity as a character gift as opposed to a character flaw.

There are many other grey areas of acceptance in which God is denying me the wisdom to discern.  For example... I know I can not/should not accept the injustices that exist in our world.  I know that change needs to happen.  The looming-larger-than-life question that I am currently sitting with is... how?  what can I do?  how can I make a difference?

I learned SO much while in Nicaragua.   I saw so much injustice... right there before my very eyes... day after day.  My big heart aches for the people I met and for their community.   But a big aching heart, as enjoyable as it is, isn't going to make a difference.  So what will?  What is the solution?  Do I need to self-deprive (not eat out, go to the movies, buy new clothes, go on vacations)?  Does boycotting Walmart really make a difference?  Does it make a difference if I march in a protest?  What about writing a letter to the government... is that the answer?  I suspect an answer lies somewhere in the midst of all those possiblities but none of it feels nearly adequate. 

As I watch my tan slowly fade away I feel this growing sense of urgency to figure something out.
I need a plan.
I need to put into action the stirrings of my heart. 

How?