created to love... made for goodness

Nelson Mandela said:  “I am fundamentally an optimist. Whether that comes from nature or nurture, I cannot say. Part of being optimistic is keeping one's head pointed toward the sun, one's feet moving forward. There were many dark moments when my faith in humanity was sorely tested, but I would not and could not give myself up to despair. That way lays defeat and death.”

I haven't always been an optimist.  My understanding of the world as more-than-half-full began to develop in my early 20s when my life took an unexpected turn.   Interestingly... and I've never really been able to figure this out... my joy at the world and love of life began to grow at the same time that I was dealing with the death of my beloved dad (who, at the age of 48, went golfing one morning.. had a massive heart attach... and never returned home).  It was also at that time that I began to deal with my addictions and sought a community of support both through Alcoholics Anonymous and through the church.

The best I can understand is that the unconditional love and acceptance of my friends in AA, and my new found discovery of a God of love and compassion did something crazy to my heart.  Years of self-hatred inspired angst and fear began to crack away and I saw and felt, through the cracks, the glimmer of a light that held love and healing.

I have spent the last 20 years cracking away more and more and more.   I believe... without any doubt at all... that I (and all of us) was/were created out of God's love into love.  We were created to love.  This does not mean at all that I have learned how to live that reality with any consistency... but it does mean that I have committed and re-commited myself to doing the best that I can.

For the most part, when I look at the world I see goodness.  I see all of places where joy lives... where hope and love are abundant.  I see people as fundamentally good.  I do not believe there are bad people... only brokenness.  I do not think anyone really enjoys doing bad things.  I think it is the lack of displayed love, compassion and forgiveness in our world that creates a society where people act out in hate, anger and greed.   I also believe that as long as there is breath, there is always hope for a better more just world.   For me.. breath is imtimately related to the presence of God. - the ultimate source of hope.

While I was in Nicaragua I was my best.. most loving and compassionate... self.  I felt as though all of the remaining hardness of my heart cracked away in one dramatic movement.   I felt everything more intensely... the joy and grief, hope and despair, love and disgust.  I can only guess about why my heart was exposed in such a way.   I have many speculations.   One of which, I believe, has to do with the simplicity of my life there.  I found an amazing freedom in that simplicity.  I never worried about food  (I ate to live rather than lived to eat).  My food choices were limited.  I ate pretty much the same thing every day and while I joked about this on my blog, I found it so freeing.  I didn't really get bored with the food I was eating and always felt full.  There was no standing in front of a fridge... wondering what I could eat to fill the emptiness (hunger or other).   The same was true of my clothing selection, as I had a limited amount of clothing available to me so wore the same clothes over and over again.  I was free from the burden (and gift) of responsibility.  I had nothing to do but learn Spanish and fall in love.

The love I felt for others motivated me to behave in more loving ways.  In Nicaragua, I felt kinder, gentler and more compassionate.  I wanted to be with those I loved and do whatever I could to make their lives a little easier..  that meant, in part, sharing financial resources but, more importantly, it meant sharing of myself.  It meant listening to stories, visiting their homes, helping with homework and offering a hug.  I really felt alive with love and a strong desire to do whatever I could do to demonstrate that love.

As you know, returning wasn't easy.  Part of that was the grief of leaving behind people I care about.   Part of that was facing the guilt I felt (and still feel) about my privilege and all the ways I have abused it, rather than used it to make a difference. 

The other part of my unease at returning to Canada is because I was (and still am) afraid that my heart will start to grow crusty again.   If, in simplicity, I discovered the freedom to love more deeply how on earth do I continue to love with intensity in the midst of a very cluttered, busy and responsilble life in Canada?  How do I maintain my commitment to use my privilege for good in the midst of a culture that constantly demands that I use my privilege to get more privileges?   How do I use my resources wisely when I already feel myself losing sight of what is important?   

Once again... I do not have any answers to my questions... only more questions and a desire to talk to... and learn from... others who have struggled with similar questions.  

I am currently reading the book called "Made for Goodness" by Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu.  I'm going to close this post off with a quote that is sparking something warm and exciting in the area where my heart resides....

"Our experience, our reading of scripture, and the people who have been part of our lives -- however briefly -- have taught us some important truths that we will share with you in this book.  First, we wills ee that we are all designed for goodness, and when we reocgnize that truth it makes all the difference in the world.  Second, we are perfectly loved with a love that requires nothing of us, so we can stop "being good" and live into the goodness that is our essence.  And third, God holds out an invitation to us -- an invitation to turn away from the anxious striving that has turned stress into a status symbol.  It is an invitation to wholeness that leads to flourishing for all of us."

Yes...