The topic for discussion at my AA meeting this morning was "acceptance".
I have been recovering from the effects of alcoholism for 19 years, 3 months and 1 day. This program has transformed my life. There are so many aspects of the 12 steps that I have found absolutely invaluable in figuring out how I want to live in the world. At various times in my life I have clung to the concepts of "letting go", "living one day at a time", "keeping it simple". However, the concept of "acceptance" is one that I have struggled with. The serenity prayer asks God for "the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference".
Now there are some things I clearly can NOT change: (1) the weather; (2) the crazy rate at which time seems to fly by; (3) the thoughts, feelings and actions of another. While not always easy, I am learning how to accept these clearly unchangable things.
There are other things that I clearly CAN change: (1) personal choices about how I will live my life.. where I will live and work, who I will be friends with, what I will spend my "extra" money on; (2) how I will respond to the thoughts, feelings and actions of another [will I be angry, frustrated, jealous, competitive, impatient];
But this is where it begins to fall apart. I'm afraid God has fallen short :-) on granting me the "wisdom to know the difference" in too many areas. There are certain character traits that I have tried for years and years and years to rid myself of: perfectionism, sensitivity, independence, stubbornness being some that easily come to mind. I am coming to realize (and its about bloody time!) that those characteristics that I have, for whatever reason, deemed to be "character defects" are, in fact, the personal attributes that make me who I am. Some of those characteristics have gotten me through a few really really difficult situations. Some of those characteristics are what allow me to connect with others... my sensitivity is attached to empathy and understanding.
Many of you who have been following my blog have commented that you appreciate the way in which I have allowed myself to be "vulnerable" in my writings. You say you have been able to connect with my experience in Nicaragua because I was able to articulate more than simply facts and interesting photos... that I was able to articulate the ramblings of my heart. It is only because of the sensitivity (which, for me, is just another word for a big ole' wide open heart) that I was able to fully immerse myself in the lives of the people there. In a very short time I loved them... I felt their love for me... I felt their joy and I felt their suffering.
Sure it would be easier for me if God magically whisked away my "senstivitiy". FEELING, as I have discovered in a very intense way over the past week, is NOT my idea of a good time! No no... I am not enjoying it at all BUT when I think of the alternative I feel very grateful. The alternative to feeling deeply is feeling nothing. For years I attempted NOT to feel by abusing alcohol... and then food. The result was not that I didn't feel... it was that I didn't feel happy. To avoid feeling pain also means to avoid feeling joy. And so, as difficult as it is, I choose to feel. I choose to view my sensitivity as a character gift as opposed to a character flaw.
There are many other grey areas of acceptance in which God is denying me the wisdom to discern. For example... I know I can not/should not accept the injustices that exist in our world. I know that change needs to happen. The looming-larger-than-life question that I am currently sitting with is... how? what can I do? how can I make a difference?
I learned SO much while in Nicaragua. I saw so much injustice... right there before my very eyes... day after day. My big heart aches for the people I met and for their community. But a big aching heart, as enjoyable as it is, isn't going to make a difference. So what will? What is the solution? Do I need to self-deprive (not eat out, go to the movies, buy new clothes, go on vacations)? Does boycotting Walmart really make a difference? Does it make a difference if I march in a protest? What about writing a letter to the government... is that the answer? I suspect an answer lies somewhere in the midst of all those possiblities but none of it feels nearly adequate.
As I watch my tan slowly fade away I feel this growing sense of urgency to figure something out.
I need a plan.
I need to put into action the stirrings of my heart.
How?
Tuesday, 3 April 2012
Tuesday, 27 March 2012
reintegration
Reintegration day 2
I'd like to attempt to answer the question: "how do I feel?" And I would... if I knew. What I can tell you is that I cry.... alot... and easily... over nothing. They are tears of joy at being home with my family... of gratitude for my life in Saskatoon... of grief at leaving behind a community of people who I very quickly grew to love... of anger at the injustices that exist in our world. The funny thing about tears is that they look and feel the same regardless of their cause.
I had no idea that my adventure to Nicaragua would impact me in such a deep way. My purpose for going was to learn Spanish and experience a new culture. I had prepared myself to some extent for what I would witness in Nicaragua. I knew that it was a poor country. I suspected it would be similar to my trip to Guatemala 10 years ago. I knew there would be some difficult moments.
I didn't know that I would come home feeling like everything I thought I knew about myself and my world would be swept into a funnel cloud of confusion, questioning, and uncertainty. I didn't know that I would come home feeling as though my heart had been bruised by my experience there. I didn't know that my eyes would be opened... and that the newly discovered light would be so overwhelmingly bright. My pupils are struggling to dialate fully... to be able to fully absorb the light and sort through how to move forward.
I know this sounds overly dramatic... but I FEEL overly dramatic. I hope that those who know me are willing to let me flail around for awhile... that you will be willing to let the drama unfold. I don't need anyone to try to fix it or take away the difficult feelings... I just need time for my eyes (and the rest of me too) to adjust. An amazing young woman from McClure sent me a message of Facebook before I left Nicaragua reminding me that I am cared for... that I am not alone... and that everything will be ok. I know it will. I know that this will pass and I will once again fnd my place. I refuse to let go of my naturally optimistic and hope-filled nature. However, I also refuse to forget the people and experiences that have brought me to where I am now. The learnings I have had are important.... and have been given to me for a reason. Once the intensity of emotion has passed, I will begin to strategize about how I can live into the new reality... my pupils will adjust.
And I know that none of this is happening in isolation. I have so much love and support in my life... and I am very very grateful for that. I also have faith... faith in a God that allows our eyes to be opened so that we can be changed and, therefore, be part of changing the world. I also know that God is with me and that gives me great comfort. God spoke to me through the people and experiences of Nicaragua, God is now speaking to me through my tears and God will continue to speak to me through sources not yet known.
Thanks be to God... for suffering and for hope.
I'd like to attempt to answer the question: "how do I feel?" And I would... if I knew. What I can tell you is that I cry.... alot... and easily... over nothing. They are tears of joy at being home with my family... of gratitude for my life in Saskatoon... of grief at leaving behind a community of people who I very quickly grew to love... of anger at the injustices that exist in our world. The funny thing about tears is that they look and feel the same regardless of their cause.
I had no idea that my adventure to Nicaragua would impact me in such a deep way. My purpose for going was to learn Spanish and experience a new culture. I had prepared myself to some extent for what I would witness in Nicaragua. I knew that it was a poor country. I suspected it would be similar to my trip to Guatemala 10 years ago. I knew there would be some difficult moments.
I didn't know that I would come home feeling like everything I thought I knew about myself and my world would be swept into a funnel cloud of confusion, questioning, and uncertainty. I didn't know that I would come home feeling as though my heart had been bruised by my experience there. I didn't know that my eyes would be opened... and that the newly discovered light would be so overwhelmingly bright. My pupils are struggling to dialate fully... to be able to fully absorb the light and sort through how to move forward.
I know this sounds overly dramatic... but I FEEL overly dramatic. I hope that those who know me are willing to let me flail around for awhile... that you will be willing to let the drama unfold. I don't need anyone to try to fix it or take away the difficult feelings... I just need time for my eyes (and the rest of me too) to adjust. An amazing young woman from McClure sent me a message of Facebook before I left Nicaragua reminding me that I am cared for... that I am not alone... and that everything will be ok. I know it will. I know that this will pass and I will once again fnd my place. I refuse to let go of my naturally optimistic and hope-filled nature. However, I also refuse to forget the people and experiences that have brought me to where I am now. The learnings I have had are important.... and have been given to me for a reason. Once the intensity of emotion has passed, I will begin to strategize about how I can live into the new reality... my pupils will adjust.
And I know that none of this is happening in isolation. I have so much love and support in my life... and I am very very grateful for that. I also have faith... faith in a God that allows our eyes to be opened so that we can be changed and, therefore, be part of changing the world. I also know that God is with me and that gives me great comfort. God spoke to me through the people and experiences of Nicaragua, God is now speaking to me through my tears and God will continue to speak to me through sources not yet known.
Thanks be to God... for suffering and for hope.
Saturday, 24 March 2012
and this is it!
my last day in Esteli.
this afternoon I am returning to my favorite place... La Cascada... with my friends.
tonight I say my goodbyes.
tomorrow at 7am I leave for Managua to catch a plane.
Order of business upon my return to Canada:
1. hug and kiss my family multiple multiple times
2. sleep in my own bed
3. wake up to a pot of fresh brewed Nicaraguan coffee
4. take a long long long hot bath
5. go to McNally Robinsons for my favorite salad
after this, I am open to phone calls and coffee invitations!
Prayers for minimal tears and safe travel appreciated.
Hasta luego!
me
this afternoon I am returning to my favorite place... La Cascada... with my friends.
tonight I say my goodbyes.
tomorrow at 7am I leave for Managua to catch a plane.
Order of business upon my return to Canada:
1. hug and kiss my family multiple multiple times
2. sleep in my own bed
3. wake up to a pot of fresh brewed Nicaraguan coffee
4. take a long long long hot bath
5. go to McNally Robinsons for my favorite salad
after this, I am open to phone calls and coffee invitations!
Prayers for minimal tears and safe travel appreciated.
Hasta luego!
me
Thursday, 22 March 2012
WARNING...
the woman who will return to Saskatoon in 4 days is not the same woman who left 2 months ago!!
In fact, at the current moment I am a blubbering mess!
The problem with having a big heart is that it so easily sucks in and holds on to the suffering of this big stupid world. I do not regret for one moment loving as I do. I think that my capacity for love is my greatest asset. My love for others has filled me with tremendous joy....it also causes me a tremendous amount of pain.
As I think about leaving Esteli, Nicaragua and the wonderful people I have met here, my heart aches. I know that there are people here, who I now care about, that are suffering. I know that some of my new friends will not eat tomorrow... that some of the children in my school will go home to incredibly difficult situations. While I´ve been here, I have done what I could... what I thought and felt was the right thing to do. I have bought meals, given money, listened to stories, given hugs. It has felt good to be here and to give... and for what I offered to be received with such relief and gratitude. The sadness that I would inevitably feel at leaving Nicaragua is compounded significantly by the sadness of those around me as they too anticipate my leaving. For a little while I was able to make their lives a little better... to relieve some of the pressure... and now I leave and life for them goes back to normal. As I read this I see how my words appear to be weighing on the side of arrogance and, believe me, I have spent a sufficient amount of time reflecting on my place of privilege and how I can best use that privilege for good. I admit that it has felt really really good to be able to offer to help. Part of that is satisfaction in knowing that I´ve brought a little joy to someone´s life... and part, I´m sure, is tied up in ego. At any rate, I know I have helped and I feel good about that. But now I am having a hard time remembering that feel-good-stuff as the realization that I´ve not done anyone any good in the long term... maybe I´ve even made things a little worse.
My thinking is completely intertwined with my feeling... as is completely normal for me... and I´m having a tough time separating the sadness and guilt from logic. I´m tempted to sell what I have, empty my bank account and give it all away but I know this would only serve to make me feel better in the moment and I would, once again, be faced with the reality that there are too many people in this world who suffer. Some of that suffering is because of the natural ebb and flow of life... people get sick, people die, etc. But MOST of that suffering is not natural... it is the direct result of a world full of greed and selfishness. Many people suffer simply because they have no money. How is this fair in a world there is so much wealth? Money does not solve all the problems... but the lack of money creates problem after problem after problem. When someone doesn´t have what they need to buy food and clothing or pay for a home, they are forced to make decisions that create all kinds of other problems. Without money life becomes about existence.. not about living. And the thing is, from what I can tell, people here aren´t after great wealth. They don´t want to be rich... they just don´t want to be hungry.
So... my excitement about seeing my beloved family is slightly tampered by the deep sadness I feel about leaving the people here (even though I know that staying wouldn´t make any difference).
And now I want to ask a favor of those of you who are reading my blog:
when you see me in Saskatoon... or we talk on the phone... please please please don´t ask me how my vacation was. While I have certainly enjoyed much of my time here... it has not been a vacation. This has been a time of intense learning... about the language, about the people and culture in Nicaragua, about myself. I will be happy happy happy to talk to you about my learnings... about my experiences here but if you ask me "how was your time in Nicaragua" you better be prepared for the response as I continue to sort through my feelings and try to make sense of this suffering world and my (our) responsiblity as those who inhabit it. Also, for those of you who are also following the path of Christianity... I will be most happy to engage in conversation about our call as those who are trying to live the love of Christ.
and now I will not be surprised... and will understand... if none of you ask me about my time in Nicaragua.
love,
me
In fact, at the current moment I am a blubbering mess!
The problem with having a big heart is that it so easily sucks in and holds on to the suffering of this big stupid world. I do not regret for one moment loving as I do. I think that my capacity for love is my greatest asset. My love for others has filled me with tremendous joy....it also causes me a tremendous amount of pain.
As I think about leaving Esteli, Nicaragua and the wonderful people I have met here, my heart aches. I know that there are people here, who I now care about, that are suffering. I know that some of my new friends will not eat tomorrow... that some of the children in my school will go home to incredibly difficult situations. While I´ve been here, I have done what I could... what I thought and felt was the right thing to do. I have bought meals, given money, listened to stories, given hugs. It has felt good to be here and to give... and for what I offered to be received with such relief and gratitude. The sadness that I would inevitably feel at leaving Nicaragua is compounded significantly by the sadness of those around me as they too anticipate my leaving. For a little while I was able to make their lives a little better... to relieve some of the pressure... and now I leave and life for them goes back to normal. As I read this I see how my words appear to be weighing on the side of arrogance and, believe me, I have spent a sufficient amount of time reflecting on my place of privilege and how I can best use that privilege for good. I admit that it has felt really really good to be able to offer to help. Part of that is satisfaction in knowing that I´ve brought a little joy to someone´s life... and part, I´m sure, is tied up in ego. At any rate, I know I have helped and I feel good about that. But now I am having a hard time remembering that feel-good-stuff as the realization that I´ve not done anyone any good in the long term... maybe I´ve even made things a little worse.
My thinking is completely intertwined with my feeling... as is completely normal for me... and I´m having a tough time separating the sadness and guilt from logic. I´m tempted to sell what I have, empty my bank account and give it all away but I know this would only serve to make me feel better in the moment and I would, once again, be faced with the reality that there are too many people in this world who suffer. Some of that suffering is because of the natural ebb and flow of life... people get sick, people die, etc. But MOST of that suffering is not natural... it is the direct result of a world full of greed and selfishness. Many people suffer simply because they have no money. How is this fair in a world there is so much wealth? Money does not solve all the problems... but the lack of money creates problem after problem after problem. When someone doesn´t have what they need to buy food and clothing or pay for a home, they are forced to make decisions that create all kinds of other problems. Without money life becomes about existence.. not about living. And the thing is, from what I can tell, people here aren´t after great wealth. They don´t want to be rich... they just don´t want to be hungry.
So... my excitement about seeing my beloved family is slightly tampered by the deep sadness I feel about leaving the people here (even though I know that staying wouldn´t make any difference).
And now I want to ask a favor of those of you who are reading my blog:
when you see me in Saskatoon... or we talk on the phone... please please please don´t ask me how my vacation was. While I have certainly enjoyed much of my time here... it has not been a vacation. This has been a time of intense learning... about the language, about the people and culture in Nicaragua, about myself. I will be happy happy happy to talk to you about my learnings... about my experiences here but if you ask me "how was your time in Nicaragua" you better be prepared for the response as I continue to sort through my feelings and try to make sense of this suffering world and my (our) responsiblity as those who inhabit it. Also, for those of you who are also following the path of Christianity... I will be most happy to engage in conversation about our call as those who are trying to live the love of Christ.
and now I will not be surprised... and will understand... if none of you ask me about my time in Nicaragua.
love,
me
Monday, 19 March 2012
5 days...
and time is flying by.
I will miss this place!
I will miss the people... my new friends, my family, the teachers at my school.
I will miss the beautiful beautiful scenery. I will miss La Cascada... La Casita... the chair in front of my home.
I will miss the slow, laid back nature of life here.
There are, of course, a few things I won't miss: beans, dust, bony animals, howling dogs at 4am, cockroaches and killer frogs.
However... the awesomeness of Nicaragua and the people here FAR out weigh the other.
This past weekend I had the opportunity to experience yet another majestic Nicaraguan attraction.
The drive...
Lunch...
We arrive at the canyon...
hmmmmm..... I'm sure it's an interesting story...
After walking across the desert... the rocky terrain... crossing a rushing river on a flimsy log (some of that might be slightly exaggerated).... we crossed the water on the least stable, most likely to tip, boat I have ever seen (that is NOT an exaggeration). This is the best photo I could take because if I moved even an inch, we would have toppled over.
But oh-my-goodness it was worth it...
our choices were: climb the rocks to our final destination or swim! I swam...
They didn't....
It took some convincing...
but Alberto took the plunge... (choosing to jump off a 10 foot cliff... must be a guy thing!)
The view from above...
The view from below...
The wildlife...
not the killer bathroom frog... but rather adorable!
and the most adorable of all....
It was a truly a wonderful day! I feel so grateful for this opportunity. I will never ever forget Esteli - my heart has been touched and I feel like a better person for having been here! Sunday will, indeed, be bittersweet!
I will miss this place!
I will miss the people... my new friends, my family, the teachers at my school.
I will miss the beautiful beautiful scenery. I will miss La Cascada... La Casita... the chair in front of my home.
I will miss the slow, laid back nature of life here.
There are, of course, a few things I won't miss: beans, dust, bony animals, howling dogs at 4am, cockroaches and killer frogs.
However... the awesomeness of Nicaragua and the people here FAR out weigh the other.
This past weekend I had the opportunity to experience yet another majestic Nicaraguan attraction.
The drive...
It was a truly a wonderful day! I feel so grateful for this opportunity. I will never ever forget Esteli - my heart has been touched and I feel like a better person for having been here! Sunday will, indeed, be bittersweet!
Monday, 12 March 2012
and more photos still...
Turns out baseball is my new obsession (I always like to have at least one). The games here are super exciting. The crowd is crazy crazy... lots and lots and lots of noise... whistling, music, sound effects. This game was particularly exciting because it was the first time they had used the new outdoor field lights. Notice the fireworks in the background? They fired non stop for most of the first part of the first inning. How distracting was that for the players? I heard there were 2000 people at the game. Esteli won!!
and I was sitting next to this man... at one point I looked at him and noticed that his hat said "Meadow Lake"on the side. I asked if I could see it and, sure enough, it was from a company in Meadow Lake, Saskatchewan. He bought it second hand here (many many stores here are second hand stores... clothing coming from the US and Canada). I explained that it came from my home province in Canada and asked permission to take his photo.
This woman lives next door to my family. She makes tortillas for the entire neighborhood. I often hear her beginning to pound the dough at 3am. She stands.. on hard floor... over a hot stove... pounding, pounding, pounding all day long. Her tortillas are delicious! I wish you could see her face better. I would estimate she is about 70 years old.
more things I see while sitting in my chair in front of my home...
half of the crowd... I was sitting in the middle behind home plate
This woman lives next door to my family. She makes tortillas for the entire neighborhood. I often hear her beginning to pound the dough at 3am. She stands.. on hard floor... over a hot stove... pounding, pounding, pounding all day long. Her tortillas are delicious! I wish you could see her face better. I would estimate she is about 70 years old.
more things I see while sitting in my chair in front of my home...
Alberto...
As I mentioned in a previous post, I came up with the idea to hire Alberto to make a closet for my family in Nicaragua... since he needed work and they needed a closet and I had a little extra money. With the help of my parents, Jordan's parents and a few other generous friends... the closet is finished. Below are photos of the building process and the completed project. My family LOVE it!
This is one of the young guys who work for Alberto... unfortunately I can't remember his name.
The closet begins...
Alberto's uncle and friend... also work for him
The closet day 2
The closet day 3... finishing touches.
I even got to help...
Ta da....
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