One of my daughter's final projects for school this year is to dream up and articulate a "eutopian society". Her questions and our discussions have had me pondering this notion of eutopia. Not an easy concept.
Today I was reading a book by none other than Bishop Desmond Tutu. The chapter I was reading is called "God's Dream". This is my eutopia...
"I have a dream," God says. "Please help me to realize it. It is a dream of a world whose ugliness and squalor and poverty, its war and hostility, its greed and harsh competitiveness, its alienation and disharmony are changed into their glorious counterparts, when there will be more laughter, joy, and peace, where there will be justice and goodness and compassion and love and caring and sharing. I have a dream that swords will be beaten into plowshares and spears into pruning hooks, that my children will know that they are members of one family, the human family, my family."
Bishop Tutu goes on to say:
'In God's family, there are no outsiders. All are insiders. Black and white, rich and poor, gay and straight, Jew and Arab, Palestinian and Israeli, Roman Catholic and Protestant, Serb and Albanian, Hutu and tutsi, Muslim and Christian, Buddhist and Hindu, Pakistani and Indian - all belong.'
And also...
'The wonderful thing about family is that you are not expected to agree about everything under the sun. Show me a man and wife who have never disagreed and I will show you some accomplished fibbers. But those disagreements, pray God, do not usually destroy the unity of the family. And so it should be with God's family. We are not expected at all times to be unanimous or to have a consensus on every conceivable subject. What is needed is to respect one another's points of view and not to impute unworthy motives to one another or to seek to impugn the integrity of the other. Our maturity will be judged by how well we are able to agree to disagree and yet continue to love one another, to care for one another and cherish one another and seek the greater good of the other.
Another characteristic of the family is its willingness to share. The early church went so far as to have its members selling their property, each refusing to claim as his exclusive properyt what had belonged to him before. They had all things in common. When the one part suffered, the whole suffered with it, and when one part prospered, then the whole prospered wtih it. There was a mutuality in the relationship in which all gave and all received. In a happy family you don't receive in proportion to your input. You receive in relation to your needs, the ones who make the least material contribution often being the ones who are most cared for - the young and the aged.'
And finally...
'Members of a family have a gentle and caring compassion for one another. How I pray that we will open our eyes and see the real, true identity of each one of us, that this one is not a white or black, Hindu, Buddhist, Christian, Muslim or Jew but a brother, a sister, and treat each other as such. If we could but recognize our common humanity, that we do belong together, that our destinies are bound up in one another's, that we can be free only together, that we can survive only together, that we can be human only together, then a glorious world would come into being where all of us lived harmoniously together as members of one family, the human family, God's family. In truth a transfiguration would take place. God's dream would become a reality.'
I believe in God's dream. I believe it is possible. I believe it is beginning to happen already.
Monday, 21 May 2012
Sunday, 20 May 2012
my last week...
In less than an hour I will be leaving home once again. For a shorter time.. and slightly less distance... but to one of my favorite places in the entire world. I am leaving for a time of retreat, reflection, prayer and silence at the Qu'Appelle House of Prayer in Fort Qu'Appelle. If you have never been, I encourage you to check it out. They have a website with photos and information. I have been a few times now and each time have come away feeling more centered and grounded in the love of God... my source of strength, hope and joy.
It is hard to believe that I am entering into my last week of sabbatical time. What a journey it has been! I feel so so so so so completely grateful to McClure United Church for granting me this unbelievable gift of time. Also for giving me the freedom to let that time just be and unfold. I am grateful particularly to the Ministry and Personnel Committee for encouraging me to not over-structure my time away. This has given me the space I needed to let God's spirit move in curious and unexpected ways. I have learned some of what I intended to learn and a whole lot that I never expected. I am heading into my last week feeling rested, refreshed and spiritually awakened. I am also heading into my last week feeling excited about my return to McClure and my ministry there. I love love love the people of McClure. The other night I ran into Emma... a member of McClure in the 7th grade and her mom. I saw in Emma's face excitement and love when our eyes met. She moved quickly to where I was standing (in Mystic Java) and gave me a wonderful hug. I felt in that moment the intensity of my love for the people of McClure... for the children, youth and the older folks who have been such an inspiration to me for the past 6 years. I am ready and excited to be back among them... living together the love of Christ in the world. I am so incredibly blessed.
I am also incredibly grateful to my beautiful colleagues Ron and Debra. They have carried a heavier load because of my absence and yet I have felt only support and encouragement from them. I look forward to being with them again and continuing to grow our ministry together.
A couple of weeks ago I invited those who are able to join me on Sunday, May 27th at 7:30pm at my house to share in a time of conversation and reflection with me. It's going to be a pretty informal gathering and the purpose is for me to be able to share some of my experiences and learnings and to solicit the questions, challenges, experiences, and stories of others. If you are in the area and able to join me... please do. This invitation is open to anyone who might want to stop by. My address is 602 McKercher Drive. I really hope to see you there... there is already a wonderful group who are planning to come but the more, the merrier.
And, while I will be in silence for the next week... I do hope to post about my experience there. I have discovered that I really enjoy writing. I'm hoping to continue with my blogging after sabbatical. I suppose I'll need to change the name to "Laura post-sabbatical".
Thanks for reading... God bless!
It is hard to believe that I am entering into my last week of sabbatical time. What a journey it has been! I feel so so so so so completely grateful to McClure United Church for granting me this unbelievable gift of time. Also for giving me the freedom to let that time just be and unfold. I am grateful particularly to the Ministry and Personnel Committee for encouraging me to not over-structure my time away. This has given me the space I needed to let God's spirit move in curious and unexpected ways. I have learned some of what I intended to learn and a whole lot that I never expected. I am heading into my last week feeling rested, refreshed and spiritually awakened. I am also heading into my last week feeling excited about my return to McClure and my ministry there. I love love love the people of McClure. The other night I ran into Emma... a member of McClure in the 7th grade and her mom. I saw in Emma's face excitement and love when our eyes met. She moved quickly to where I was standing (in Mystic Java) and gave me a wonderful hug. I felt in that moment the intensity of my love for the people of McClure... for the children, youth and the older folks who have been such an inspiration to me for the past 6 years. I am ready and excited to be back among them... living together the love of Christ in the world. I am so incredibly blessed.
I am also incredibly grateful to my beautiful colleagues Ron and Debra. They have carried a heavier load because of my absence and yet I have felt only support and encouragement from them. I look forward to being with them again and continuing to grow our ministry together.
A couple of weeks ago I invited those who are able to join me on Sunday, May 27th at 7:30pm at my house to share in a time of conversation and reflection with me. It's going to be a pretty informal gathering and the purpose is for me to be able to share some of my experiences and learnings and to solicit the questions, challenges, experiences, and stories of others. If you are in the area and able to join me... please do. This invitation is open to anyone who might want to stop by. My address is 602 McKercher Drive. I really hope to see you there... there is already a wonderful group who are planning to come but the more, the merrier.
And, while I will be in silence for the next week... I do hope to post about my experience there. I have discovered that I really enjoy writing. I'm hoping to continue with my blogging after sabbatical. I suppose I'll need to change the name to "Laura post-sabbatical".
Thanks for reading... God bless!
Sunday, 6 May 2012
I've taken up the challenge...
A while ago I posted the following update on Facebook...
"I'm taking the 21 day challenge to a complaint free world (no complaining, gossiping or unhealthy criticizing). Put on my complaint-free bracelet this morning..."
A few of my friends have asked me how it's going.
It is going better than I expected it to go.
It's going differently than I expected it to go.
The idea of the "complaint free challenge" comes from a book I read. The idea is that whenever someone wearing the "complaint free" bracelet finds themself complaining, criticizing or gossiping, they are to switch their bracelet onto the other wrist. The goal, I believe, is to raise awareness of how much negative energy we are putting into the world. I don't know about you... but I know that for me, when I am habitually complaining, criticizing or gossiping (and it's funny how often those three go hand in hand), I find myself feeling less joyful... less loving... less compassionate.
My journey is a journey towards greater, more intentional love and so this felt like a good step along that path. And it was working.. I did notice myself pausing several times in the day to check in with myself before speaking. The questions I ask myself are simple (and, big shock, inspired from something I read by Desmond Tutu).. "is it true"... "is it kind"... "is it necessary". Often I refrain from saying something I might otherwise have blurted out... this is good.
HOWEVER.. as with most things in my life I found myself taking it to extreme... getting frustrated with myself whenever I needed to switch the bracelet and also frustrated with the number of times I was compelled to complain but had to bite my tongue. The voice of harsh judgment was making its way into my awareness... crushing out the voice of compassion and love (the very reason I was doing this in the first place).
I realized that the very act of changing my bracelet had become a form of self-criticism. I needed to change my bracelet because I changed my bracelet. I could see how this was going to be far too time consuming (and far less helpful) than I had anticipated.
I realized this morning that the challenge I've taken is incomplete. While I continue to think it is a good thing to become aware and challenge the negativity I put into the world, I think it is even more important to notice, become more aware of and give thanks for all of the times I witness and participate in the goodness - in the love, compassion, joy - that is being put into the world every single day... I would even say every moment of every single day.
The bracelet I constructed myself for this challenge has those famous letters "WWJD" on them. I don't think Jesus gossiped, complained or unnecessarily criticized those around him. I do think he displayed radical acts of love, kindness, generosity, selflessness, compassion..
So I'm taking up a new challenge. It will be my "WWJD" challenge. I will continue to notice when I feel compelled to complain, gossip or criticize. But I will also work to become more aware at all of the ways that I witness and participate in goodness. The reality is that I, and most everyone I know, commit far more acts of goodness than we do of ungoodness (it's my blog and this is a word!). I believe that the ungoodness will naturally be pushed to the background of our lives when we are better able to be aware of the amazing power of God's love at work through us.
Go. Be. Love. The world needs you. The world needs all of us.
"I'm taking the 21 day challenge to a complaint free world (no complaining, gossiping or unhealthy criticizing). Put on my complaint-free bracelet this morning..."
A few of my friends have asked me how it's going.
It is going better than I expected it to go.
It's going differently than I expected it to go.
The idea of the "complaint free challenge" comes from a book I read. The idea is that whenever someone wearing the "complaint free" bracelet finds themself complaining, criticizing or gossiping, they are to switch their bracelet onto the other wrist. The goal, I believe, is to raise awareness of how much negative energy we are putting into the world. I don't know about you... but I know that for me, when I am habitually complaining, criticizing or gossiping (and it's funny how often those three go hand in hand), I find myself feeling less joyful... less loving... less compassionate.
My journey is a journey towards greater, more intentional love and so this felt like a good step along that path. And it was working.. I did notice myself pausing several times in the day to check in with myself before speaking. The questions I ask myself are simple (and, big shock, inspired from something I read by Desmond Tutu).. "is it true"... "is it kind"... "is it necessary". Often I refrain from saying something I might otherwise have blurted out... this is good.
HOWEVER.. as with most things in my life I found myself taking it to extreme... getting frustrated with myself whenever I needed to switch the bracelet and also frustrated with the number of times I was compelled to complain but had to bite my tongue. The voice of harsh judgment was making its way into my awareness... crushing out the voice of compassion and love (the very reason I was doing this in the first place).
I realized that the very act of changing my bracelet had become a form of self-criticism. I needed to change my bracelet because I changed my bracelet. I could see how this was going to be far too time consuming (and far less helpful) than I had anticipated.
I realized this morning that the challenge I've taken is incomplete. While I continue to think it is a good thing to become aware and challenge the negativity I put into the world, I think it is even more important to notice, become more aware of and give thanks for all of the times I witness and participate in the goodness - in the love, compassion, joy - that is being put into the world every single day... I would even say every moment of every single day.
The bracelet I constructed myself for this challenge has those famous letters "WWJD" on them. I don't think Jesus gossiped, complained or unnecessarily criticized those around him. I do think he displayed radical acts of love, kindness, generosity, selflessness, compassion..
So I'm taking up a new challenge. It will be my "WWJD" challenge. I will continue to notice when I feel compelled to complain, gossip or criticize. But I will also work to become more aware at all of the ways that I witness and participate in goodness. The reality is that I, and most everyone I know, commit far more acts of goodness than we do of ungoodness (it's my blog and this is a word!). I believe that the ungoodness will naturally be pushed to the background of our lives when we are better able to be aware of the amazing power of God's love at work through us.
Go. Be. Love. The world needs you. The world needs all of us.
Tuesday, 1 May 2012
an awakened heart...
Yesterday a friend asked me "how have you been changed by your experience [in Nicaragua]"...
Part of the answer to that question is easy. I talked about my greater awareness of global issues. I have been changed by the concrete experience of witnessing and living amongst people who live in poverty. The reality of great poverty in our wealthy world has become much more tangible to me. It is no longer only a concept... one that I have always had compassion for - albeit a detached kind of compassion.
I have been changed in that I now feel a deep attachment and connection to the friends I made in Nicaragua who I know are living the struggle every single day. Just this morning I received a phone call from my friend, Alberto, who is without work. He has no money... he has no food... his truck has broken down. Alberto called in despair, and not just for himself and his family but also for his community. He says that he doesn't have work because nobody has money... it's not just he who is suffering. He is in the awful position of needing to make a decision to either leave his community and his family in search of opportunity in the United States or to stay and try to make the best of it. I sat and listened... tried to offer words of encouragement and hope... but mostly just feeling utterly and completely helpless. He called to ask me to pray for him and his family.
I do pray... for Alberto and his family, for all of my friends in Esteli and for people around my city and throughout the world who face similar seemingly impossible situations every single day. Although I do believe in the power of prayer, it doesn't feel like enough. Prayer does not fill an empty stomach. Once again I am faced with the question... "what CAN I do?" My experience in Nicaragua changed me in that this question feels more immediate for me now... more urgent. When I ask this question now, there are faces attached... poverty has become personal for me in a way it hasn't really been before. It is impossible for me to ignore the reality of such a huge percentage of our world's population. When I think poverty now I first see the faces of my friends in Esteli... Alberto, Esmilda, Karla, Joakin... but those images are immediately followed by the images of countless other faces, real and imagined. Faces of those I see in my own city, faces of those I've seen on television news reports or in magazines. In my heart, there is a much greater universal connection now than existed before. For this I feel so grateful... and a little overwhelmed.
The other ways I have been changed are a little more difficult for me to understand and, therefore, articulate. For some reason, when I was in Nicaragua, I allowed my heart to be opened wide. Allowed isn't actually the right word... because it wasn't a conscious choice. If I was in a position of making that choice, I probably would have been defensive... possibly even fled. It just kinda happened. One day I woke up and realized I had fallen in love... with my friends, with the community, with the culture... and it felt so AMAZING. And then it hurt. Falling in love meant experiencing their lives, the good and the not-so-good, in a more intense... a more present... way.
Loving friendships have never been very easy for me. It's hard for me to trust. It's hard for me to connect. I have always kept friends at an arms length... partly as a form of self-protection and partly because I have never really thought of myself as very likeable. Somewhere in the back of my mind I have always believed that if people REALLY got to know me they wouldn't like what they see.
Anyway... whatever the reason for the whole opening of the heart thing... I'm deciding that I kind of like it this way. I'm kind of enjoying(?) feeling the love and grief and joy and pain. Along with the awakening of feeling has come an awakening of presence. As my eyes have become more open to the evil that exists in our world, I am also becoming more open to the beauty and goodness. It's true... there are probably things about me that aren't so likeable BUT they are not the whole of me. FIRST there is goodness and love and beauty. Goodness existed before the trials and tribulations of life caused me to create some defenses that look like defensiveness, moodiness, and control-freak type behaviours.
I am good. Created out of goodness, into a world that is good. My journey is to live that goodness to the best of my ability.
And.. of course... reason would have it that if I am good... created out of goodness... so is everyone else.
My journey is not only to live the goodness that is in me, it is also to search for, call to, encourage and love the goodness that is in you... and you... and you...
Part of the answer to that question is easy. I talked about my greater awareness of global issues. I have been changed by the concrete experience of witnessing and living amongst people who live in poverty. The reality of great poverty in our wealthy world has become much more tangible to me. It is no longer only a concept... one that I have always had compassion for - albeit a detached kind of compassion.
I have been changed in that I now feel a deep attachment and connection to the friends I made in Nicaragua who I know are living the struggle every single day. Just this morning I received a phone call from my friend, Alberto, who is without work. He has no money... he has no food... his truck has broken down. Alberto called in despair, and not just for himself and his family but also for his community. He says that he doesn't have work because nobody has money... it's not just he who is suffering. He is in the awful position of needing to make a decision to either leave his community and his family in search of opportunity in the United States or to stay and try to make the best of it. I sat and listened... tried to offer words of encouragement and hope... but mostly just feeling utterly and completely helpless. He called to ask me to pray for him and his family.
I do pray... for Alberto and his family, for all of my friends in Esteli and for people around my city and throughout the world who face similar seemingly impossible situations every single day. Although I do believe in the power of prayer, it doesn't feel like enough. Prayer does not fill an empty stomach. Once again I am faced with the question... "what CAN I do?" My experience in Nicaragua changed me in that this question feels more immediate for me now... more urgent. When I ask this question now, there are faces attached... poverty has become personal for me in a way it hasn't really been before. It is impossible for me to ignore the reality of such a huge percentage of our world's population. When I think poverty now I first see the faces of my friends in Esteli... Alberto, Esmilda, Karla, Joakin... but those images are immediately followed by the images of countless other faces, real and imagined. Faces of those I see in my own city, faces of those I've seen on television news reports or in magazines. In my heart, there is a much greater universal connection now than existed before. For this I feel so grateful... and a little overwhelmed.
The other ways I have been changed are a little more difficult for me to understand and, therefore, articulate. For some reason, when I was in Nicaragua, I allowed my heart to be opened wide. Allowed isn't actually the right word... because it wasn't a conscious choice. If I was in a position of making that choice, I probably would have been defensive... possibly even fled. It just kinda happened. One day I woke up and realized I had fallen in love... with my friends, with the community, with the culture... and it felt so AMAZING. And then it hurt. Falling in love meant experiencing their lives, the good and the not-so-good, in a more intense... a more present... way.
Loving friendships have never been very easy for me. It's hard for me to trust. It's hard for me to connect. I have always kept friends at an arms length... partly as a form of self-protection and partly because I have never really thought of myself as very likeable. Somewhere in the back of my mind I have always believed that if people REALLY got to know me they wouldn't like what they see.
Anyway... whatever the reason for the whole opening of the heart thing... I'm deciding that I kind of like it this way. I'm kind of enjoying(?) feeling the love and grief and joy and pain. Along with the awakening of feeling has come an awakening of presence. As my eyes have become more open to the evil that exists in our world, I am also becoming more open to the beauty and goodness. It's true... there are probably things about me that aren't so likeable BUT they are not the whole of me. FIRST there is goodness and love and beauty. Goodness existed before the trials and tribulations of life caused me to create some defenses that look like defensiveness, moodiness, and control-freak type behaviours.
I am good. Created out of goodness, into a world that is good. My journey is to live that goodness to the best of my ability.
And.. of course... reason would have it that if I am good... created out of goodness... so is everyone else.
My journey is not only to live the goodness that is in me, it is also to search for, call to, encourage and love the goodness that is in you... and you... and you...
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
created to love... made for goodness
Nelson Mandela said: “I am fundamentally an optimist. Whether that comes from nature or
nurture, I cannot say. Part of being optimistic is keeping one's head
pointed toward the sun, one's feet moving forward. There were many dark
moments when my faith in humanity was sorely tested, but I would not and
could not give myself up to despair. That way lays defeat and death.”
I haven't always been an optimist. My understanding of the world as more-than-half-full began to develop in my early 20s when my life took an unexpected turn. Interestingly... and I've never really been able to figure this out... my joy at the world and love of life began to grow at the same time that I was dealing with the death of my beloved dad (who, at the age of 48, went golfing one morning.. had a massive heart attach... and never returned home). It was also at that time that I began to deal with my addictions and sought a community of support both through Alcoholics Anonymous and through the church.
The best I can understand is that the unconditional love and acceptance of my friends in AA, and my new found discovery of a God of love and compassion did something crazy to my heart. Years of self-hatred inspired angst and fear began to crack away and I saw and felt, through the cracks, the glimmer of a light that held love and healing.
I have spent the last 20 years cracking away more and more and more. I believe... without any doubt at all... that I (and all of us) was/were created out of God's love into love. We were created to love. This does not mean at all that I have learned how to live that reality with any consistency... but it does mean that I have committed and re-commited myself to doing the best that I can.
For the most part, when I look at the world I see goodness. I see all of places where joy lives... where hope and love are abundant. I see people as fundamentally good. I do not believe there are bad people... only brokenness. I do not think anyone really enjoys doing bad things. I think it is the lack of displayed love, compassion and forgiveness in our world that creates a society where people act out in hate, anger and greed. I also believe that as long as there is breath, there is always hope for a better more just world. For me.. breath is imtimately related to the presence of God. - the ultimate source of hope.
While I was in Nicaragua I was my best.. most loving and compassionate... self. I felt as though all of the remaining hardness of my heart cracked away in one dramatic movement. I felt everything more intensely... the joy and grief, hope and despair, love and disgust. I can only guess about why my heart was exposed in such a way. I have many speculations. One of which, I believe, has to do with the simplicity of my life there. I found an amazing freedom in that simplicity. I never worried about food (I ate to live rather than lived to eat). My food choices were limited. I ate pretty much the same thing every day and while I joked about this on my blog, I found it so freeing. I didn't really get bored with the food I was eating and always felt full. There was no standing in front of a fridge... wondering what I could eat to fill the emptiness (hunger or other). The same was true of my clothing selection, as I had a limited amount of clothing available to me so wore the same clothes over and over again. I was free from the burden (and gift) of responsibility. I had nothing to do but learn Spanish and fall in love.
The love I felt for others motivated me to behave in more loving ways. In Nicaragua, I felt kinder, gentler and more compassionate. I wanted to be with those I loved and do whatever I could to make their lives a little easier.. that meant, in part, sharing financial resources but, more importantly, it meant sharing of myself. It meant listening to stories, visiting their homes, helping with homework and offering a hug. I really felt alive with love and a strong desire to do whatever I could do to demonstrate that love.
As you know, returning wasn't easy. Part of that was the grief of leaving behind people I care about. Part of that was facing the guilt I felt (and still feel) about my privilege and all the ways I have abused it, rather than used it to make a difference.
The other part of my unease at returning to Canada is because I was (and still am) afraid that my heart will start to grow crusty again. If, in simplicity, I discovered the freedom to love more deeply how on earth do I continue to love with intensity in the midst of a very cluttered, busy and responsilble life in Canada? How do I maintain my commitment to use my privilege for good in the midst of a culture that constantly demands that I use my privilege to get more privileges? How do I use my resources wisely when I already feel myself losing sight of what is important?
Once again... I do not have any answers to my questions... only more questions and a desire to talk to... and learn from... others who have struggled with similar questions.
I am currently reading the book called "Made for Goodness" by Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu. I'm going to close this post off with a quote that is sparking something warm and exciting in the area where my heart resides....
"Our experience, our reading of scripture, and the people who have been part of our lives -- however briefly -- have taught us some important truths that we will share with you in this book. First, we wills ee that we are all designed for goodness, and when we reocgnize that truth it makes all the difference in the world. Second, we are perfectly loved with a love that requires nothing of us, so we can stop "being good" and live into the goodness that is our essence. And third, God holds out an invitation to us -- an invitation to turn away from the anxious striving that has turned stress into a status symbol. It is an invitation to wholeness that leads to flourishing for all of us."
Yes...
I haven't always been an optimist. My understanding of the world as more-than-half-full began to develop in my early 20s when my life took an unexpected turn. Interestingly... and I've never really been able to figure this out... my joy at the world and love of life began to grow at the same time that I was dealing with the death of my beloved dad (who, at the age of 48, went golfing one morning.. had a massive heart attach... and never returned home). It was also at that time that I began to deal with my addictions and sought a community of support both through Alcoholics Anonymous and through the church.
The best I can understand is that the unconditional love and acceptance of my friends in AA, and my new found discovery of a God of love and compassion did something crazy to my heart. Years of self-hatred inspired angst and fear began to crack away and I saw and felt, through the cracks, the glimmer of a light that held love and healing.
I have spent the last 20 years cracking away more and more and more. I believe... without any doubt at all... that I (and all of us) was/were created out of God's love into love. We were created to love. This does not mean at all that I have learned how to live that reality with any consistency... but it does mean that I have committed and re-commited myself to doing the best that I can.
For the most part, when I look at the world I see goodness. I see all of places where joy lives... where hope and love are abundant. I see people as fundamentally good. I do not believe there are bad people... only brokenness. I do not think anyone really enjoys doing bad things. I think it is the lack of displayed love, compassion and forgiveness in our world that creates a society where people act out in hate, anger and greed. I also believe that as long as there is breath, there is always hope for a better more just world. For me.. breath is imtimately related to the presence of God. - the ultimate source of hope.
While I was in Nicaragua I was my best.. most loving and compassionate... self. I felt as though all of the remaining hardness of my heart cracked away in one dramatic movement. I felt everything more intensely... the joy and grief, hope and despair, love and disgust. I can only guess about why my heart was exposed in such a way. I have many speculations. One of which, I believe, has to do with the simplicity of my life there. I found an amazing freedom in that simplicity. I never worried about food (I ate to live rather than lived to eat). My food choices were limited. I ate pretty much the same thing every day and while I joked about this on my blog, I found it so freeing. I didn't really get bored with the food I was eating and always felt full. There was no standing in front of a fridge... wondering what I could eat to fill the emptiness (hunger or other). The same was true of my clothing selection, as I had a limited amount of clothing available to me so wore the same clothes over and over again. I was free from the burden (and gift) of responsibility. I had nothing to do but learn Spanish and fall in love.
The love I felt for others motivated me to behave in more loving ways. In Nicaragua, I felt kinder, gentler and more compassionate. I wanted to be with those I loved and do whatever I could to make their lives a little easier.. that meant, in part, sharing financial resources but, more importantly, it meant sharing of myself. It meant listening to stories, visiting their homes, helping with homework and offering a hug. I really felt alive with love and a strong desire to do whatever I could do to demonstrate that love.
As you know, returning wasn't easy. Part of that was the grief of leaving behind people I care about. Part of that was facing the guilt I felt (and still feel) about my privilege and all the ways I have abused it, rather than used it to make a difference.
The other part of my unease at returning to Canada is because I was (and still am) afraid that my heart will start to grow crusty again. If, in simplicity, I discovered the freedom to love more deeply how on earth do I continue to love with intensity in the midst of a very cluttered, busy and responsilble life in Canada? How do I maintain my commitment to use my privilege for good in the midst of a culture that constantly demands that I use my privilege to get more privileges? How do I use my resources wisely when I already feel myself losing sight of what is important?
Once again... I do not have any answers to my questions... only more questions and a desire to talk to... and learn from... others who have struggled with similar questions.
I am currently reading the book called "Made for Goodness" by Desmond Tutu and Mpho Tutu. I'm going to close this post off with a quote that is sparking something warm and exciting in the area where my heart resides....
"Our experience, our reading of scripture, and the people who have been part of our lives -- however briefly -- have taught us some important truths that we will share with you in this book. First, we wills ee that we are all designed for goodness, and when we reocgnize that truth it makes all the difference in the world. Second, we are perfectly loved with a love that requires nothing of us, so we can stop "being good" and live into the goodness that is our essence. And third, God holds out an invitation to us -- an invitation to turn away from the anxious striving that has turned stress into a status symbol. It is an invitation to wholeness that leads to flourishing for all of us."
Yes...
Sunday, 8 April 2012
an Easter message...
this morning's Easter sunrise message... written and offered by Kaby Eremondi, an amazing grade 11 student and a member of McClure United Church. Thanks Kaby for giving me permission to share.
"When we think of Easter morning, we all know the usual story of triumph and joy. No one even thinks of the focus of this account: fear. In all reality, although it may not seem like the most favourable account, it is likely one of the most accurate. Even though Jesus told his followers that this would happen, how could they possibly believe it? After all, nothing like this had ever happened before, and it hasn't happened since. Can you imagine the fear going through their heads when Jesus' words became truth? In our lives today, we all feel this fear at one point or another. Think back to the scariest moments in your life. Remember your first day of high school? Your first day at a new job? The truth is, we all feel fear. But fear is not the end. Through their fear, the courage and joy of Easter comes through. After all, isn't that what Easter is truly about... overcoming obstacles, doing the impossible and facing our fears? Even being here, at this hour of this Easter morning shows this side of Easter. We all face our fears, brave the new day and remember what Jesus and Easter are all about."
AMEN
"When we think of Easter morning, we all know the usual story of triumph and joy. No one even thinks of the focus of this account: fear. In all reality, although it may not seem like the most favourable account, it is likely one of the most accurate. Even though Jesus told his followers that this would happen, how could they possibly believe it? After all, nothing like this had ever happened before, and it hasn't happened since. Can you imagine the fear going through their heads when Jesus' words became truth? In our lives today, we all feel this fear at one point or another. Think back to the scariest moments in your life. Remember your first day of high school? Your first day at a new job? The truth is, we all feel fear. But fear is not the end. Through their fear, the courage and joy of Easter comes through. After all, isn't that what Easter is truly about... overcoming obstacles, doing the impossible and facing our fears? Even being here, at this hour of this Easter morning shows this side of Easter. We all face our fears, brave the new day and remember what Jesus and Easter are all about."
AMEN
Friday, 6 April 2012
suffering & hope - can't have one without the other
I was thinking about boycotting Easter this year. I'm really into the solemnness and suffering of Holy Week... I'd kind of like to stay here for a little while. I'm not ready for a resurrection... for butterflies, white lilies and hallelujahs. In a odd-not-really-making-sense kind of way I am finding comfort in the discomfort found in the grief, violence and uncertainty of Jesus last days and of his death.
As I've alluded to in past postings... I've never really been one to stay patiently with difficult feelings. In fact, I have become quite the expert at avoidance. I've drunk, smoked and eaten them away... I've immersed myself in endless hours of mindless television, online games and obsessively checking my Facebook updates... all as way to avoid those difficult feelings. Over the years I have definitely had times in which I have had a much healthier, life-giving approach to suffering but it feels like those times have been more the exception than the norm.
My first impulses upon returning to Canada were to find some way to make myself feel better. I just wanted to feel "normal" again. Everything in my home... my community... my life felt (and still does feel) so different. All of the grief, frustration, anger that were growing in me while in Nicaragua came to full fruition upon arrival in Canada. I felt like a fish out of water... floundering. I am so so so grateful to everyone who has been part of my reintegration. I do, in fact, feel better. Not the its-really-not-that-bad-I-just-need-to-get-over-it kind of better but the it-really-is-that-bad-and-aren't-I-grateful-to-have-the-love-understanding-and-support-of-community kind of better. The many hugs, lunches, walks and coffee dates have made a HUGE difference. Also, I have attended 3 worship services at McClure this week. Just seeing that amazing community together... in prayer... has allowed my heart to heal. I experienced love... and with love I experience hope. I experience deep deep gratitude.
Don't get me wrong.. none of this means that I am ready to let go of the sadness I feel at the injustices that exist in our world. I still feel grief, frustration and anger. But somehow those feelings are easier to sit with when they are held together by love and hope.
Kind of like Holy week! For me, this year, the purpose of Holy Week is not to "get through" to the good news of resurrection. Holy Week is just what it is.... full of loss, violence and the presence of human greed, selfishness and fear... all of which are held together by the love of God and the hope that there is something more at work here than I can even begin to understand.
And besides... the resurrection does not represent the end of suffering. In fact, for those who loved Jesus it was the beginning of a new kind of suffering as they tried to figure out how they were supposed to live into their new reality. This person who they loved... who had had such a profound impact on their lives... had been tortured and murdered. One does not just "get over" that. They were grieving the loss... they were terrified that they might be next. The reality of Christ's death... and resurrection... was something they needed to live in to.
A friend reminded me this week that we are supposed to be an Easter people... the hope of resurrection is not just for Easter Sunday... it's for every day. I don't need to somehow quickly make it through my suffering so that I can be sunshine and smiles for Easter morning. Thank God!
Suffering is part of life.
Hope is part of life.
In order for me to fully engage with life I need to be open to each of these and recognize that they are not mutually exclusive ways of understanding the world. I am realizing that I can't, in fact, have one fully without engaging with the other.
As I've alluded to in past postings... I've never really been one to stay patiently with difficult feelings. In fact, I have become quite the expert at avoidance. I've drunk, smoked and eaten them away... I've immersed myself in endless hours of mindless television, online games and obsessively checking my Facebook updates... all as way to avoid those difficult feelings. Over the years I have definitely had times in which I have had a much healthier, life-giving approach to suffering but it feels like those times have been more the exception than the norm.
My first impulses upon returning to Canada were to find some way to make myself feel better. I just wanted to feel "normal" again. Everything in my home... my community... my life felt (and still does feel) so different. All of the grief, frustration, anger that were growing in me while in Nicaragua came to full fruition upon arrival in Canada. I felt like a fish out of water... floundering. I am so so so grateful to everyone who has been part of my reintegration. I do, in fact, feel better. Not the its-really-not-that-bad-I-just-need-to-get-over-it kind of better but the it-really-is-that-bad-and-aren't-I-grateful-to-have-the-love-understanding-and-support-of-community kind of better. The many hugs, lunches, walks and coffee dates have made a HUGE difference. Also, I have attended 3 worship services at McClure this week. Just seeing that amazing community together... in prayer... has allowed my heart to heal. I experienced love... and with love I experience hope. I experience deep deep gratitude.
Don't get me wrong.. none of this means that I am ready to let go of the sadness I feel at the injustices that exist in our world. I still feel grief, frustration and anger. But somehow those feelings are easier to sit with when they are held together by love and hope.
Kind of like Holy week! For me, this year, the purpose of Holy Week is not to "get through" to the good news of resurrection. Holy Week is just what it is.... full of loss, violence and the presence of human greed, selfishness and fear... all of which are held together by the love of God and the hope that there is something more at work here than I can even begin to understand.
And besides... the resurrection does not represent the end of suffering. In fact, for those who loved Jesus it was the beginning of a new kind of suffering as they tried to figure out how they were supposed to live into their new reality. This person who they loved... who had had such a profound impact on their lives... had been tortured and murdered. One does not just "get over" that. They were grieving the loss... they were terrified that they might be next. The reality of Christ's death... and resurrection... was something they needed to live in to.
A friend reminded me this week that we are supposed to be an Easter people... the hope of resurrection is not just for Easter Sunday... it's for every day. I don't need to somehow quickly make it through my suffering so that I can be sunshine and smiles for Easter morning. Thank God!
Suffering is part of life.
Hope is part of life.
In order for me to fully engage with life I need to be open to each of these and recognize that they are not mutually exclusive ways of understanding the world. I am realizing that I can't, in fact, have one fully without engaging with the other.
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