Tuesday, 22 November 2011

Waiting and other such nonsense...

Advent is my favorite time of the year.  I love the energy and excitement of waiting... for the gathering of family & friends, for gifts, for huge feast and, of course, for the celebration of the birth of Christ.  Normally, I love the time of waiting - and preparing.  
But this year it feels different.  Advent isn't even here yet and already I've moved on to January.  I can tell it will be a constant struggle for me, over the next four weeks, to stay in the present moment and to not allow my mind to be filled with anxiousness about sabbatical thoughts.
So I'm going to name my anxiousness right here... just put it out there and then, hopefully, find a way (with God's help) to let it go (at least for a little while).  So I'm anxious about:
  • having too much unstructured time... not using my time wisely... wasting time... not making time to do what is important... 
  • not allowing myself to be present in the moment so as to miss the presence of God as it moves around and through me
  • traveling on my own to Nicaragua... getting lost... missing my flight...
  • arriving in Nicaragua.. getting lost... not understanding the language... not being able to find the bathroom... being thrown in jail (no idea what that's about!)
  • not being able to learn Spanish well enough to communicate... spending two months in Nicaragua feeling stupid and not being able to communicate
  • Nicaraguan bugs
  • missing my family too much
  • not being missed by my family enough
  • having too high of expectations for my time away and being disappointed in the end
That's enough for now.  The funny thing about anxiety is - the more attention I give it the greater it becomes.  Perhaps if I redirect that attention to my last month of ministry before Sabbatical starts I can regrow my excitement for Advent  instead.  Hmmmm....
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4 comments:

  1. The Queer Liturgist22 November 2011 at 17:07

    What I sometimes do with anxiety, when I find that giving attention to it feeds it, is to try to pay attention to what anxiety does to me and to what it feels like to be anxious. Notice that it's anxiety you're feeling, notice what it feels like in your body to be anxious. Pay attention to the experience of anxiety rather than the thoughts and stories which we tell ourselves over and over again which produce the anxiety.

    Just a suggestion!

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  2. Laura's Blogs22 November 2011 at 17:43

    what? be present in my body? weird concept! :-)

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  3. jordan28 November 2011 at 13:42

    what you should be feeling anxious about is that your family is going to miss you so much that you are going to feel guilty and have to come home early!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Laura's Blogs29 November 2011 at 16:39

    absence makes the heart grow fonder :-)

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